harry potter: the random parody
by lozza1989
Summary: A very funny parody of the philosopher's stone. No flames please.rated T for bad language.-COMPLETED!
1. Chapter 1

Harry potter: the Random parody

In a House in Privite drive lived the Dursleys. The Dursleys were simply normal people and rebelled agaisnt any one who was magic or something like that.The Dursley also had a one year old fat son who was called Dudley. He was so fat that he often got stuck in his high chair during feeding time. Dudley's parents worshipped him and he became a very spoilt brat.

After an ordinary day, the Dursleys went to bed. Petunia Dursley spend half the night reading bed time stories to Dudley who refused to go down to sleep. Meanwhile a old man who must have been about 20000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000

Six days, three hours and five minutes later

00000000000000000000000000000000000000000000 years old appeared into privite drive. He was wearing Jamacian style robes and a pointed hat with the big letter D imprinted on it in glittery letters. He took out what appeared to be a cigar lighter and used it to turn all the street lamps off.A Moggy with specs on walked up to the old geezer.

"Ahhhhhhhhh, McGonogall I knew that was you" he croaked. The cat transformed into a woman who also had a hat on.

"Good evening Dumbledore" she replied walking up towards him. All of a sudden, Snape appeared and gave everyone in the world a year supply of Detentions. Dumbledore cast a spell on him to make him disappear.

"You don't arrive until later in the story Severus" Croaked Dumbledore. McGonogall tapped him on the shoulder.

"So why have you come dear McGonogall?" he asked. McGonogall took out a hankerchief and blew her nose which made a loud foghorn noise.

"I suppose you've heard the rumors on the Potters. Voldemort killed them". Dumbledore patted her on the shoulder. "There there my dear. Dying is a part of life" he croaked as he repeatedly patted her on the shoulder. Angry, McGonogall pulled herself away from him.

"You don't understnad you thick Bastard, Voldemort tried to kill their one year old son, Harry" she shrieked. Dumbledore shuddered at her angryness.

"But why would Voldemort try and kill a one year old?" he asked himself as he stroked his abnormally large beard. McGonogall slapped him over the head with a random newspaper.

"Hello, Voldemort is a phycopath, he would kill anyone. I bet if a sweet little girl in a pink frilly dress, blonde hair in two pigtails and a lollypop in her hand skipped up to Voldemort and started being really nice to him, he'd probaly kill her too". Dumbledore made a large croaking noise.

"So the boy survived then?" he asked.

"Duh. But this is the mystery. Nobody knows how he survived the wrath of Lord Voldemort" she explained in a spooky voice. Dumbledore shivvered and croaked again.

"So where is the preciouuuuuuuuusssssssssssssss going to live now?" he asked. McGonogall looked at him gone out.

"This isn't Lord of the Rings Dumbledore. You meant to say the boy.

"What Did I say instead?" he asked, again stroking his beard.

"You said preciouuuuuuuuusssssssssssssssssssssssss" replied McGonogall in her Golum voice.Dumbleodre slapped his forehead in embarrasement.

"My bad. So where is the Boy going to live now?" he asked again. Mcgonogall sighed and pointed at number 4, which happened to be the same house as the Dursleys.

"I wish he wasn't go to live here, those Dursley people are mean and they have a son who is a spoilt little bastard". Dumbledore shuddered at the thought.

"It's the only family he's got left" he croaked."Hagrid shall be bringing the child". McGonogall gasped and shuddered.

"Hagrid is clumsy, do you really think it was safe to make him fetch the baby boy?" she asked. Dumbledore nodded and croaked again.

"I would trust Hagrid with my butt" he replied just as a motorbike with an overgrown man riding it, tumbled down.

"Ahhhhhhhhhhhh, Dumbledore, McGonogall" replied the giant who farted.

"Hope there were no problems, Hagrid" Dumbledore croaked. Hagrid shook his shaggy head."Not much. He did a poo on the way but He fell asleep". Hagrid handed Dumbledore the bundle of joy.

"Awwwwwwwww, who's a wickle fella? you are, you are" he cooed to the sleeping baby to notice the lightening scar on his forehead.

"I fear he will have that scar Forever" explained McGonogall. Dumbledore nodded and placed Harry on the door step.

"Goodbye Harry Potter. Hope to see you in Eleven years time" and the three of time hopped onto Hagrids motorbike and rode to the moon.The next Morning, Petunia was the first to discover the bundle of joy that she screamed, causing the baby Harry to wake up and cry. Petunia picked up the wailing baby and bought him indoors.


	2. The Rainbow flying Monkey

The Rainbow flying Monkey

Ten years had passed and Harry was still living with his ever-so-mean-relatives-the Dursleys-who-can-go-to-hell and they hated him so much that they made him sleep in a box under the stairs.

He was having a wonderful dream about a bunch of funky dancing girls when ugly Aunt petunia disturbed this fantastic dream by throwing a mini bomb into Harry's box and it exsploded.

"GET UP YOU LAZY BASTARD, I WANT YOU TO COOK THE BREAKFAST" she roared that the room shook and Harry flew out of the window and landed in Australia.

When he returned he got a good beating from Uncle vernon and then he was forced to make breakfast. "It's my Birthday, It's my Birthday"sang Harry's very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very

One year two months and five minutes later

very fat cousin Dudley as he came bounding into the room. "Happy birthday son" said Uncle Vernon patting the very very very fat son. Harry rolled his eyes and pretended to puke. Later, the family were discussing what to do for Dudley's birthday.

"I WANNA GO TO THE RANDOM ZOO AND I WANNA TAKE MY BOYFRIEND RATFACE BOY WITH ME" bellowed Dudley.

"Yes you can my little fluffy bunny" cooed Petunia " but Harry is staying with Mrs ugly because I'm not having him spoiling your day diddy". Mrs ugly came over to the Dursley's to collect Harry but she got ran over by a fifty ton bus and went to hell where she became the wife of the devil.

"Drat, guess he'll have to come with us" announced Uncle Vernon. So Harry found himself in the back of the car sitting between Dudley and his boyfriend Ratface boy.

"This Random zoo contains very strange and Random creatures" Uncle Vernon read out on the info sheet.

When they arrived they were greeted by a zoo clerk dressed as a pineapple.After buying two large icecreams for Dudley and Ratface boy then buying a lemon for Harry, they entered the Random zoo which contained, Pikachus, pink Rabbits, Screaming frogs, very Ugly beetles, very beautiful horses, poisonous ducks, fat hogs, thin hogs, baby hogs, slimey hogs, Rainbow flying Monkeys, Bulbasaurs, pigwogs, dudes, Snape clones that kept giving visitors detentions, cows, chickens, red guys, blue guys, pink guys, yellow guys, fat kippers and Rainbow coloured walking talking Mushrooms.

Whilst the others were gawping at a bunch of Pikachus, Harry snuck off to look at a Rainbow flying Monkey. "Hello I'm Harry" said Harry to the Monkey which got up and began dancing around for no reason.

"THERE HE IS" yelled a voice. Somebody had punched Harry in the Ribs, causing him to fall to the floor. He looked and saw Dudley and Ratface boy gawping at the Monkey. Suddenly the glass vanished and the two boys fell into the Monkey's cage. Harry watched as the Monkey flew out and thanked him. "Huh huh". Harry Fainted.

He woke up five hours later in his box, unaware that a sign reading **BAD BOY **was hung outside on the box. Dudley and Ratface boy assumed they caught Monkey Disease and kept wondering if they'll turn into Monkeys.

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**Yes I know it's Random, but this is a Random parody where Random stuff will be included so don't go dissing it ya dig. Flames are unacceptable so all those who leave Flames must not read this, only people who like this story can leave reviews of what they think to this Random Parody. Anyway I must dash and think of what Random stuff I can add in my next chappie. Chow my fellow readers.**


	3. The very Anoymous Letters

The very Anoymous letters

Harry was let out of his box six years, no sorry not six years, six weeks later. Luckily Dudley and Rat face boy didn't catch Monkey Disease but Rat Face boy dumped Dudley because he assumed that Dudley had dragged him into the Monkey cage delibratly so that he could make out with him.

"I hope that being locked up in a box for Six years, no it's not Six years it's six months, anyway I hope that you've learned your lesson" Uncle Vernon said pointing the finger at Harry.

"It was an Accident" said Harry in a tiny voice.

"THAT'S NO EXCUSE FOR LETTING IT HAPPEN. YOU MADE THAT GLASS DISSAPEAR" Roared Uncle Vernon so loud that the whole universe died and was replaced by clones.

"I DIDN'T MAKE IT HAPPEN, THE GLASS JUST VANISHED. ANYWAY IT'S DUDLEY AND RAT FACE BOY'S FAULT FOR LEANING AGAISNT THE GLASS IN THE FIRST PLACE" Harry roared back. Petunia and Dudley put Marshmallows in their ears as Uncle Vernon and Harry had a shouting competition plus Snape appeared and gave one of Aunt Petunia's Garden knomes detention, even though he knows he isn't supposed to be in the story yet SO HE BETTER GET LOST BEFORE I MAKE HIM DANCE IN HIS PJAMAS ALL NIGHT.

Anyway, Harry was made to get the post because Uncle Vernon was out of shout and he nearly lost his voice.

Harry picked up a catolouge bill which had to be paid £123,89089 by the end of the month or else, A copy of Playboy Magazine for Dudley and woohoohoo a Letter for Harry. He walked into the kitchen, gave Uncle Vernon his Bill, Dudley his Magazine and he kept his own letter to himself.

"What, I'm not paying that much for ordering just a toaster plus it's a faulty one. Burnt my toast five hundred times" Complained Uncle Vernon. Aunt Petunia patted him on the back.

"Don't pay it" she advised. "Good Idea" said Uncle Vernon, eating it. Harry was about to open his letter but Dudley grabbed it off him.

"Here Dad, eat Harry's letter" Dudley suggested. "NO" yelled Harry but Dudley Handed the letter to Uncle Vernon and he ate that too.

"Your mean" said Harry before running away crying.

The Next day, More Letters came for Harry but he never got the chance to read them because Uncle Vernon kept eating them. He was getting Loads more throughout the week but Uncle Vernon just kept on eating them.

When Sunday came, Uncle Vernon was happy that there was no post on sundays.

"Ahhh no post on sundays, I like it" he said, scratching his bottom and dunking his Doughnut in melted chocolate. Unfortunatly he spoke too soon and bizzillions of Letters for Harry came flying everywhere. Harry manged to grab one but Uncle Vernon snatched it off him and put Harry in his box.

"THAT'S IT, WE'RE RUNNING AWAY AND WE'RE NOT COMING BACK UNTIL THEY'VE STOPPED SENDING THESE LETTERS" Harry heard Uncle Vernon roar. Dudley was buried under a pile of letters and Aunt Petunia was saving her Garden Knomes.


	4. Enter Da Hagrid Meister

Enter da Hagrid Meister

The Dursleys and Harry ran away to a hut which was perched on a cliff in the middle of nowhere. It was in a dangerous position as the hut was practicly near the edge of the cliff. Aunt Petunia put some Rocks underneath to stop it from toppling into the ocean below which was infested with Sharks, Piranahas, Stingrays, Killer Octopuses, Electric eels and all the dangerous sea creatures you can think of.

So anyway, Everybody has gone to bed and poor Harry is Made to sleep on the floor. He draws a Birthday cake in the sand and sings happy Birthday to himself. Pretty soon, Harry's peaceful moment was interupted by a loud banging on the door and a voice calling "Fee Fi Fo fu-oops wrong story, just need to check the script...ah ha that's it" and the door flew of it's hinges and a large, hairy man entered. The Dursleys woke up and threw bombs, Bazookas, knifes and shoes at the stranger but he ate them all.

"Have to do better than that Dursley" the Giant grumbled. Uncle Vernon pooed his pants but he acted like he didn't.

"Get out of here, you are trespassing on public property" he said acting the brave man. The Giant walked up to Vernon and turned him into a Banana. Dudley screamed and the Giant gave him a pig's tail. He ran out screaming where he was abducted by Aliens. Aunt Petunia screamed and fell into the sea of doom.

"Now where is Harry?" the Giant wondered. Harry slowly got out from his hiding place (which was from behind the sofa) and nervously walked up to the strange Giant.

"You summond me, big Hairy Giant man sir?" Harry asked nervously. The Giant chuckled and nodded. "Ahh so your Harry then?" he asked. Harry nodded and edged nervously up to the stranger.

"So what did you want with me then?" he asked.

"Blimey, I haven't introduced myself yet. Hello Harry I am Rubeus Hagrid and I am the keeper of keys and grounds at Hogwarts. Thankyou for listening to me speech" and he did a bow and Harry was clapping away.

"Great intro Mr Hagrid" Harry said clapping away. "Just call me Hagrid, Harry. Anyway to buisness. I have come to deliever you some very shocking news. Harry...you're a wizard" the Eastenders theme tune starts playing. "Hang on a minute, this isn't Eastenders" stated Harry. The Theme tune stopped so we can now get back to the story.

"But I can't be a wizard, that's impossible" Harry said. Hagrid snorted. "Of course you're a wizard Harry. Haven't those excuse for relatives said anything to you?" Harry shook his head. Hagrid growled and turned the Banana back into uncle Vernon.

"YOU BOY" he roared, charging at Harry like an angry bull.

"I didn't do nothing" Harry barked. Uncle Vernon was attempted to choke the boy but Hagrid pulled him away. "LEAVE THE BOY BE YOU FAT MAN" Hagrid thundred. Uncle Vernon pooed hiself again. "YOU LIED TO THIS BOY DURSLEY, YOU NEVER TOLD HIM HE WAS A WIZARD" Hagrid roared. Harry put Marshmallows in his ears as he was having the feeling that Uncle Vernon and Hagrid were going to have a shouting competition.

"THIS BOY WILL BE GOING TO THE FINEST WIZARDING SCHOOL IN THE WORLD AND IT HAS THE MOST FINEST HEADMASTER IN THE WORLD.. ALBUS DUMBLEDORE" Hagrid thundred so loud that the room shook.

"I WILL NOT PAY SOME OLD FOOL TO TEACH HIM BLOODY MAGIC TRICKS, HE'S GOING TO TORTURE BOARDING SCHOOL" Uncle Vernon shouted.

"What are you shouting at Vernon?". Aunt Petunia had manged to survive the sea of doom and she was know stood in front of the pair.

"THIS FAT BASTARD HAS JUST TOLD POTTER THAT HE'S A WIZARD AND HE WANTS TO TAKE HIM TO SOME WIZARD SCHOOL" bellowed Uncle Vernon.

"HE'S GOING TO HOGWARTS WHETHER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT" Thundered Hagrid so loud that Aunt Petunia and Uncle Vernon were blown out of the hut and landed back in privit drive. Harry took the Marshmallows out of his ears. "So Harry, are you ready to go?". Harry simply nodded so Hagrid took him by the hand and they left the dreaded hut.


	5. The School Supplies list

The list of school Supplies

"So, this letter is saying that I have been accepted at Hogwarts school of witchcraft and wizardry?" Harry asked after Hagrid had given him the letter he kept getting last week.

"Are you blind? of course it does" Hagrid boomed. Harry squeaked and nearly fell into a hell hole but good old Hagrid pulled him out before the devil could eat him.After that, the pair of them made their way to the train station. Harry bought the Tickets because he was more expirenced with Muggle Money than Hagrid was. They then went to the underground down the escalators. Unfortunatly, Hagrid got stuck in between them and the Fire Brigade was called out to free him.

"Yah need to go on a Diet so nothing like this could happen again" said a Random man. Hagrid react by knocking the man unconcious.Harry dragged Hagrid away from the crowd and onto the Train.

"You were lucky the coppers didn't arrive" Harry suggested when they were on their way to London "Imagine you getting nicked". Hagrid spilled his coffee onto his beard. Several Men in red Robes appeared out of nowhere.

"You" said one pointing at Hagrid. "Moi?" Hagrid asked. "Yes you, you shall be punished. You will sit on a really comfotable seat and will be forced to hold soft fluffy Kittens". So Hagrid was forced to sit on a really comfortable seat and held soft Fluffy kittens. Pretty soon they arrived in London where they were beaten by chavs with axes... NOT Harry was reading through his List of School supplies.

"First years must bring

1. A big fat Cauldron

2. A set of gold scales

3. 1 glass of coke

4. a cuddly toy

5. A plastic toy wand (Don't worry it will only work within the wizarding world)

First years will also require the pets listed

A Pikachu (very cute and very Friendly)

An Owl (useful for carrying and fetching the post. Be warned they can bite when teased)

A Goomba (these are just plain dumb but good for tormenting if you get bored)

A Toad ( these are hopping mad and they have a fetich for wondering off)

"But how am I supposed to find all this stuff Hagrid?" Harry wondered.

"You'll see Harry, soon you will see" Hagrid explained as they walked into a pub.

To be Continued...


	6. Diagon alley of randomness

Diagon alley of randomness

Harry and Hagrid both walked to a nearby pub where a chair was thrown through the window and several shouts were heard from inside.

"Hell this place is dangerous" protested Harry but Hagrid ignored him and dragged the poor lad into the pub. There were many people fighting, beating each other up and chucking chairs about.

"I told you this place was dangerous" Harry said. "Don't worry Harry, if anyone tries to throw you out of the window then I'll eat them from the feet up" Hagrid explained as somebody threw a random kettle at him. The Bar tender was behind the bar and he was trying to calm the atmosphere that was happening in the pub.

"CAN WE PLEASE JUST CALM DOWN...oh hagrid, the usual?" he asked when he spotted Hagrid waddle his way through the flying chairs and punches. "No thanks Tom, I'm busy helping young Harry here get his school stuff" Hagrid explained. 

"Crikey, it's Harry Potter" Tom said rather amazed. Snape appeared and gave all the people in the pub Detention... hey wait a second, Snape, get outta here, you're not supposed to be in the story yet. Now beat it or I'll Redrum ya (read the redrum bit backwards snicker snicker).

"Grrrrrrrrrrrrr, Detention for you" growls Snape before vanishing into thin air. A thin man in an abnormally large turban made his way towards Harry and Hagrid.

"H-H-Hello, H-H-H-arry, S-S-S-So H-H-H-Happy T-T-To m-m-meet y-y-you" the man stuttered."Ah, this is Quirrell Harry, he's you're defense against the Dark Arts Teacher at Hogwarts" Hagrid said.

"are you Asian?" asked Harry causing Quirrell to burst into tears and run into a wall. "That was Random" said Harry. "Well this is a Random story, come on let's go round the back" and Hagrid led Harry round the back and outside.

"Does everybody in that place know who I am?" Harry asked. "Sure thing Harry, they were just to busy killing each other to notice you". Harry starts crying "I don't like the word killing, you know what happens when somebody uses that word in front of me?". Hagrid shook his head just as a ten tonne weight fell on him.

"For gods sake Harry, don't squish Hagrid" several Readers appear and whack Harry with newspapers "Bad Harry, bring Hagrid back to life, Bad bad Harry". Relunctantly, Harry bought Hagrid back from the dead. "Right, let's get your school stuff Harry" Hagrid said as if nothing had happened. He took out a Barbie umbrella and tapped the wall that was in front of them five times. Harry watched as the wall disintigrated right in front of his eyes and behind it was another street.

"Welcome to Diagon Alley Harry". Harry squealed like a girl and ran down the street, skipped through the Rainbow icecream parlour and danced with a bunny Rabbit in Chocolate icecream covered with colourful hundreds and thousands land.

"Harry, harry?". Harry snapped back to reality."What?" he asked quite annoyed. "Shall we get your School stuff?" Hagrid asked. "Yeah yeah yeah" Harry grumbled. The Duo walked down the cobble stone streets and Random stuff was happening like ballerinas dancing through the crowd, witches laughing like a broken record and Little girls skipping with skipping ropes dressed in pink frilly dresses and pigtails.

"But now am I going to buy all this stuff without any Goddamn money?" Harry demanded. "Language Harry, your Money is in the bank, now come on" and the Big Hairy man and the Be-spectacled boy headed to the bank known as Gringotts.

To be continued...


	7. Gringott's,wands and toads,oh my

Gringott's, wands and toads,oh my

When they arrived, they were greeted by a goblin who was wearing a t-shirt saying **I LOVE DIAGON ALLEY**.

"I want one of those T-shirts, they kick ass" Harry said, pointing at the goblin's t-shirt. "Later Harry, we need to get your dosh out first" Replied Hagrid. He recieved a whack from the back of the head by a random person. "YEEHAW, DIAGON ALLEY'S HOOLIGANS RULES, BITCHAS"screamed the random person.

After recovering, Hagrid and Harry walked into Gringott's bank that was a posh hotel.

"These Goblins are thick as wood so don't even pay attention to the random stuff they say" Hagrid warned. Harry nodded and they came up to the main desk.

"Harry Potter wishes to get his money out so he can buy his school items"Hagrid said. "Sure, I'll just pull the turtle out of the chicken and we'll get going"the Goblin replied. Harry gave Hagrid an odd glance. "See what I mean?" the big hairy beast/man/giant/hybrid asked. "Yeah, what a fucking liberty" Harry muttered in sarcasm.

About two seconds later, they were riding a cart to the vaults.

"Drink the goddamn beer you bitch" the goblin that was riding in the cart with them barked at Harry.

"There's no beer you moron" Harry snapped. "Stop picking on me" the Goblin sobbed. "What a freak" Harry muttered.Soon, they arrived at Harry's vault to collect his cash.

When it was opened, Harry was thrilled to see how rich he was.

"Cool" he said "I'm richer than Simon Cowell". Suddenly, Simon Cowell appeared out of nowhere and flipped Harry Off. "I'm richer than you poindexter and get a haircut, it disgraces the empire of all hairstyles". He vanished with a pop. "There's nothing wrong with my hair is there?" Harry asked. Hagrid shook his shaggy head.

"Come dance with me you sexy thing" the Goblin sang as they made there way to vault 213.

Once they arrived there, the only thing that was laying on the floor was small parcel. Hagrid walked in, picked up the parcel and placed it in his pocket. "Don't mention this to anyone Harry or else i'll beat you good and proper" Hagrid warned. Harry secretly pissed himself.

Without warning, Harry was in a wand shop carrying over six million pounds.

"Helloooooooooooooooooooo" Harry called in a stupid and odd voice. "Coming" came a voice from the back "just putting my trousers on. I'll be back honey, I have a customer. Don't do that, we'll finish it off once i've dealed with this one".

Harry watched as a creepy old man came sauntering fromt he back. "Well well well, Harry Potter" he said with a grin. "Pleased to meet you, I'm Olivander but you can call my Olly". Harry gave him an odd glance. "I've come for a wand" he replied darkly.

"Of course, just give this one a try" Olly said, thrusting a wand in Harry's hand. He waved it and a bottle of Viagra disentigrated. "Noooooooooo" Olly screamed "not my Viagra, anything but my viagra". He snatched the wand from Harry and gave him another one. He waved it again and Olivander's hair turned green. "Stupid idiot" he snarled. Harry waved the wand again and a 1,45000 tonne weight dropped on Olivander, squishing him dead. "That's what you get for insulted the great Harry Potter" Harry declared in triumph.

He tried out every wand in the shop until he found a suitable one.

Suddenly, he was back in the leaky cauldron with Hagrid who had bought him a white owl.

"Awesome an Owl. I'll call it sir Hedwig the 1st" Harry declared. "And this" Hagrid said,getting out a T-shirt saying **I LOVE HOGWARTS**.

"Sweet" said Harry. Hagrid burped and farted. "I think I'll go to bed now" said Harry Simply. Hagrid burped again. That night, the leaky cauldron was invaded by toads.

"HARRY, WHAT HAVE YOU DONE"Hagrid bellowed as a toad jumped in his mouth. "I was testing my new wand" Harry declared innocently.

"Gwet wid owf whem" Hagrid said with a mouthful of toad. "What?" Harry asked. Hagrid pulled the toad out of his mouth and yelled "GET RID OF THEM".

"Right you are" Harry replied and he made all the toads vanish.


	8. Ron, the feminine boy

Ron, the feminine boy

The next day, Harry and Hagrid had teleported themselves to King's cross station so Harry could catch the hogwarts express that will take him to hogwarts.

"Right Harry, I'm going to leave you in the middle of a big train station so that you can find the train station yourself as I want to go down the pub and get extremely pissed and make out with Paris hilton. Here is your ticket, seeya soon Harry" and with a pop, Hagrid was gone and poor Harry was left on his own.

"How the hell am I supposed to find platform nine and three quarters. That Hagrid is such a retard" muttered Harry.

He was walking through the train station and was having no luck in finding the platform when he came across one of the guards. "Excuse me, you fat sweaty guy with the hat. Can you please tell me where I can find Platform nine and three quarters?" Harry asked the guard who put on a sarcastic expression and said "sure, just swim the channel tunnel for about half a mile, turn left at the ifle tower, go to florida and catch the plane to mars, the platform you are looking for should be situated on your right" and he walked away, laughing.

"What a jerk" Harry muttered when he noticed a red-headed family walk passed.

"This place is always packed with muggles, every bloody year" screeched the red-headed woman.

"Oh, more people like me" said Harry happily as he followed them.

"Ok Percy, you go first" said the woman. A hunky red-headed boy grabbed his trolley and ran to the wall. Harry thought that he was some kind of nutter to do something like that but he had ran straight through the wall instead of straight into it.

"What the hell?" Harry gasped in horror.

"Right, Fred you next" the woman instructed to her second son who was stood with his twin brother.

"He's not Fred, I am" the boy said, pointing at his twin.

"Oh, So Sorry George" replied their mother. "hahahahahahahahahahaha, I am really fred" laughed the boy as he ran through the wall. "Got you this time" added his twin as he too, ran through the wall. Harry blinked and blinked and blinked and blinked

(123 pages of blinking ensures)

and blinked.

"Excuse me" called Harry to the red headed woman "can you please tell me how to get onto platform nine and three quarters?".

"Sure thing dear, just run through the wall" the woman told him "Ron's new too" she added, poitng at her youngest son who was (you guessed it) red-headed and extremely hunky.

"I love youuuuuuuuuuu" said Ron's 10-year-old sister Ginny, battering her eye-lashes at Harry.

"Ok, that was extremely disturbing" said Harry before running to the wall with his eyes closed. When he opened them, the first thing he saw was a big red steam engine with the words HOGWARTS EXPRESS written in gold.

"Hallelujah" sang Harry in his opera voice "I have done it, I've finally found the choo-choo". He jumped onto the train and found himself a compartment.

"Ahhhhh, this is the life" sighed Harry as he placed his hands behind his head and leaned back on the seat. About five minutes later, his alone time was interupted by the red-headed boy, Ron.

"Hello, can I sit with you and bother you?" he asked.

"I guess so, I'm pretty used to it" replied Harry. Ron grinned and practicly dived into the compartment.

"I'm Ron Weasley" said Ron.

"I'm Harry Potter" replied Harry simply. Ron let out a girlish scream and clapped his hands. "Oh my god, You're the boy-who-lived. You survived you-know-who's curse" he said followed by a very feminine giggle.

"What?" Harry asked in confusion. "You never heard of you-know-who?" Ron asked. "No" said Harry "damnit, I'll kill Hagrid for not telling me about this you-know-who guy". Ron twirled his hair in a female manner.

"Why do you behave like a girl?" Asked Harry in confusion.

"Because I'm the one who mostly has to play with Ginny and it's made me abit feminine" replied Ron.

"Good job you don't wear lipstick" Protested Harry.

"Think again" said Ron. He got out some bright red lipstick and smeared it on his lips. "See, I can be very feminine".

"I'm extremely disturbed" muttered Harry. Just then, a girl with bushy brown hair came bouncing in.

"Hi, I'm Hermione granger and I'm good at magic, Wizzy Izzy, let's get busy" and Ron's jeans and T-shirt was changed into a pink frilly dress.

"I said I was feminine but I wasn't expecting this" said Ron with a sob. "Laters" said Hermione giving the peace sign and walking off.

"What a weird girl" said Harry. "You said it" added Ron as he admired his dress.


	9. The random sorting part one

The random sorting-part one

Disclaimer: I must warn you that some characters that are not related to harry potter make guest appearances in this chapter and please remember I do not own any of them.

The Hogwarts express came to a hault at some platform that was situated somewhere. Harry and Ron (who was no longer wearing the pink frilly dress) jumped off and looked around.

"Dude, where are we?" Ron asked. Harry looked at a nearby sign. "Well, according to my super vision, we have come to a stop at Hogsmeade station". Ron gave Harry a very strange look. "Where's Hogwarts?" he asked. "I don't know, perhaps we're lost" Harry replied. Just then, a large figure came into view calling the first years and it didn't take long for Hary to recognise his voice.

"HAGRID, OI HAGRID OVER HERE YOU GREAT BIG IDIOT". Hagrid looked down and saw Harry and Ron. "Aieeeeeeeeee, a giant, save me Harry" Ron aquealed, jumping unrealisticly into Harry's arm like a damsel in distress.

"Relax Ron, this is Hagrid and he's completly harmless, soft as shit" Harry explained, settting Ron to the ground. "Sorry, just got abit scaredy cat there" Ron replied.

"Alright, first years, follow me to the boat" Hagrid instructed. In a crocodile fashion, the first years followed Hagrid to the dreaded, black lake (mwuahahahahahahahahha).

"Ok, everybody get in the boat". The students looked and saw a gigantic boat in the shape of a banana.

"oooooooh, a Banana boat" a student yelled. They climbed up a ladder to enter the banana boat and soon they were sailing to a big castle on a large rock and the castle was shaped as a tortoise.

"Coooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooool" said Ron in unision as he first set sights on hogwarts castle. The banana boat came to a hault and the first years all clambered off the banana boat and were now descending up a staircase.

"Wow, I cannot wait to get into the castle, I shall be king, muhahahahahahahahahaahahahaha" Ron declared. Harry whacked him over the head with a fish that had appeared out of nowhere. "Shut up you divvy" he hissed. "Sorry" Ron said, rubbing his now poorly head.

Hagrid knocked on a big door and it was answered by cat-woman aka McGonogal.

"First years ma,am" Hagrid informed. "Thankyou Hagrid, I shall take them from here" McGonogal said. The first years followed McGonogal through the door and found themselves stood in the entrance hall which was painted in hippy colours and peace symbals were drawn all over.

"Right, welcome to Hogwarts boys and girls. I am Proffesor McGonogal and I am the deputy head mistress of this marvouless school, so do as I say Or I'll turn you into frogs, Understand?". The first years nodded in a very nervouse way. "Right, now wait here until I come and call you to be sorted into your house's, Gryffindor,hufflepuff, ravenclaw and slytherin. Those are the four houses. Now wait here" and she strode through a pair of big double doors.

"So, you must be Harry potter". A blonde boy pushed his way through the crowd towards Harry. "I'm Draco malfoy and I'm going to be your rival" and he walked away. "Ok, thanks for letting me know Malfoy" Harry replied.

A little while later, McGonogal re-appeared. "Ok, we are ready for you now, follow me". The first years followed McGonogal into what was named the great hall and in it was

Robots, apes, Homer simpson,a bamboo stick, a panda that was chewing the bamboo stick,bouncy balls, micheal jackson, rappers,false Batman, the real Batman,a pimp, a hobo,Dracula,Frankenstien, zombies, false zombies, the Joker in rapper's clothes(wtf?) and on his head was the school Poltergeist,Peeves(and they both looked alike because they had big grins on their faces), a hooker, a frog prince and a extremely ugly hat that was smelly.

"Ok,you lot, wait along here" McGonogal instructed. The first years did as they were told and prepared to be sorted...

to be continued...The second part will be up next chapter.


	10. The random sorting part two

The random sorting-part 2

"Now, before you are sorted, we must wait for the headmaster, Proffesor dumbledore because he has a few things to say" McGonogal explained. Hermione raised her hand.

"Yes dear, what is it?" McGonogal asked. "Where is Proffesor Dumbledore?" Hermione asked. "I'm pretty sure he won't be long now" McGonogal replied. So they waited

and waited

and waited

and waited

and waited

and waited

two hours, five minutes and seven seconds later

and waited and waited until the doors burst open and Dumbledore came rolling (and I mean literally) in.

"Sorry I'm late dudes, I was down at the bar with me chums" he said. McGonogal gave him an odd glance. "Ok I'll go and sit down and tell the first years about some rules, first, stay out of the forbidden forest or else they'll be a chance that you'll be eaten alive by all the creatures that lurke within, bwuahahahahahahahaha, plus I was told by Filch, that scruffy looking man over there that the third floor corridor is off limits to those who do not wish to suffer a slow and painful death ahahahahahahahaha, now get on with the sorting so I can eat my own body weight in hamburgers".

McGonogal picked up that ugly hat and the students took it in turns to get sorted. Hermione became a gryffindor, Malfoy became a Slytherin and Ron became a Gryffindor too as did a rather forgetful boy with a pudgy face, Neville Longbottom. The only person left to be sorted was Harry.

Knees knocking at a rather rapid pace, Harry nervously took his place at the platform and placed the hat on his head. He waited a few seconds until he heard a voice in his ear. "Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm, this is most difficult, where shall I put you?" said the voice. "ohno, I'm going mental, I'm hearing voices in my head" Harry muttered. "No, I am the sorting hat you stupid idiot". Harry breathed a sigh of relief and said "Phew, for a minute there I thought I'd totally lost it".

"Shut your cake-hole and let me think" the hat barked "hmmmmmmmmm, Gryffindor or Slytherin, which one shall I put you in". Harry closed his eyes and whispered "please not slytherin, any house will do but not slytherin". The Hat was getting frustrated. "Shut up four eyes, you will go to which everhouse I put you in and I think you'll do well in slytherin". At that point, Harry got down on his knees and put his hands together. "Please not Slytherin, I beg of you, I don't want to go to slytherin" he begged, tears streaming his face. "Ok" the hat sighed "let's do it your way punk, you shall go to Gryffindor". Harry tore the hat from his head and jumped up yelling "woohoooooooooooooooooooooo" and did the worm all the way to the gryffindor table. "Dude, you were totally awesome back there" Ron said, patting Harry on the back.

"And now, Dumbledore has an announcement to make" McGonogal announcent. Dumbledore stood up and declared "Eat my children, for tonight, WE DINE IN HELL". The students gave him odd glances and McGonogal slapped her head in pity. "Oh fuck it, just eat, eat until you exsplode".

Pretty soon, the people in the great hall where all stuffing their faces with all the food they could eat. "I'm half and half, me dads a muggle who sits on his arse all day, drinking his own body weight in beer and eating potatoe chips and my mam's a witch and she acts like his slave" an Irish boy named seamus finnigan told everyone. Ron had his head in a large pie, eating the contents in side. "Damn, this is good beef" his muffled voice called out from inside the pie. Harry looked over at the teacher's table and saw a rather creepy looking teacher with greasy black hair, taling to quirrell.

"Hey, percy potatoe, who is that sinister looking teacher talking to quirell?" Harry asked Ron's older brother. "Oh that's snape the potions teacher and don't call me percy potatoe, just percy will do" Percy replied. Harry shrugged and tackled a large burger with his name on it.

They were almost done with their feast when Dumbledore attracted their attention.

"And now, it's time for the school song, now on your feet and we shall sing". So the students all got to their feet and began to sing

_oh, hogwarts_

_oh , hogwarts_

_doo wabba wabby ahh ahh ohh_

_everybody get up and sing_

_sing sing sing singggggggggggggggggggg_

_this is hogwarts, oh great hogwarts_

_teach us something usefull_

_for we have verey small brains_

_that need growing_

_our heads need filling with interesting facts_

_so listen up nigga_

_give us a cigga_

_and teach us something now_

_if you do not_

_then we shall die_

_from undersized brain syndrome_

_ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh_

_we beg of you, oh hogwarts_

_and give us a good education_

"NOW LET ME HERE THOSE DRUMS" Dumbledore yelled. A drummer began bashing away and the song got a beat to it

_"now we need that education_

_so teach us something now_

_or else we'll cry and we'll die_

_because we don't wanna be dumb"_

"HIT IT" Cried George weasley.

_"hogwarts, hogwarts_

_it's the place to beeeeeeeeeeee_

_so let's get our brains prepared_

_for a decent education, oh yeah_

_an let's show those muggle bitches_

_that we iz da best_

_better than all da rest_

_brrrrap, brrrrrrap"_

The music died down and Dumbledore clapped his hands. "Well done, well done, and now before you go to your slumber pits I have four simple words to say, sex, drugs, rock and roll. Thankyou, now piss off to bed".

Percy was leading the first year Gryffindors to gryffindor tower.

"Keep close to me" he ordered "and be carefull on the stairs, they change". he was right because A staircase changed into a snake and ate Dean Thomas.

They were halfway down a corridor when suddenly, Peeves came out of nowhere and pulled Percy's trouser's down, revealing his white boxers with little red hearts on them.

"ha ha ha ha, percy the potatoe likes to wear girly pants" Peeves sang in a taunting voice. "Get lost you little bastard or I shall fetch the baron" said Percy as he pulled his trousers back up.Peeves flipped Percy off and flew away.

They finally arrived at Gryffindor tower and the entrance was a potrait of Paris Hilton.

"Password, hot stuff?" she asked percy in a flirty voice. "Fashion bitches" percy said camly. "That is correct hottie" replied paris, fluttering her eye lashes. The portrait swung open and they all clambered through the hole.

"Welcome to the gryffindor common room, the bedrooms are up stairs and they are unisex. That means boys and girls sleep in the same dormitires. now piss off to bed because I'm getting fed up of you". The first years all went to bed and Harry had a bizzare dream.

In his dream, he was approached by Hermione who needed to tell him something.

"Harry, I have something very serious to tell you, I'm pregnant and it's yours". Harry woke up screaming "Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo".


	11. The very random first day

The very random first day

Harry and Ron were sat at the table during breakfast the next morning, looking on what lesson they had first.

"Awww man, we've got potions with stinkin Snape, Percy told me he's a right bastard" Ron moaned. "Oh come on, he can't be that bad" Harry reassured. Unfortunatly he was wrong, Snape wasn't bad, infact, he was worse than bad.

"Let this be known that I do not tolerate insolent little buggers in my presence" Snape told them in a cold, cruel tone.

"God, what a biacth" Hermione said outloud. "DETENTION MISS GRANGER" Snape barked. "Oh shut up you hoser" Hermione replied, smirking."Grarrrgggggggggh, that's twenty years worth of detentions for you"

"Greasy haired bastard"

"Thirty years of detention, and don't make me angry"

"twatter face"

"Forty years of detention"

"Big fat ugly vampire person"

"Arrrrgh, fifty years"

"Transvestite,homosexual, bisexual, gay and cross-dresser".

Growling with rage, Snape grabbed Hermione by the hair and flung her in the detention room. "That's better" said Snape, dusting his hands. "Now, today we are going to make a anti-monkey potion, it stops people from turning into monkeys incase your'e wondering. Ok these are the stuff you'll need. A dropping of Ape dung, a sprinkle of monkey hair, a dead monkey's head, a gorilla's tongue, a chimpanzees tongue, a baboon's arse and a monkey's tail and add a drop of gold jelly potion. Now stir the contents anti-clockwise".

Everybody did as they were told but Neville who was thick did it wrong and the potion accidently spilled on him, thus turning him into a monkey.

"oooo ooo aaah ahh" screeched the neville-monkey as he threw china at the wall.

"DETENTION" Snape yelled "I WILL NOT TOLERATE APES IN MY CLASSROOM".

During lunch, Neville had been restored to his natural self and was looking at the remembrall that he had recieved from his gran early that day.

"I know about those" said Hermione who had somehow escaped the detention room "when the smoke turns red, it means that you've forgotten something". Neville looked as the smoke inside the ball turned a variety of red,yellow,orange,purple,pink,green,grey and gold.

"Oh no, I must have forgotten to remember when the remember, what to remember and why to remember" Neville squeaked.

That afternoon was flying lessons and the first years were being taught by a woman named Madam hooch.

"Ok, you see those sticks in front of you, those mops" Hooch said. Hermione rasied her hand. "Yes girl, what is it?"Hooch asked.

"I'd thought you'd like to know that those are brooms, not mops" Hermione corrected. "I knew that" Hooch snapped before continuing. "Ok, tell your brooms to get up and be forcefull".

So the students did as they were told. Unfortunatly, Ron's had seemed to develop a mind of it's own and attempting to beat the crap out of him.

"Oww, oof, offf, gerrof" Ron grunted as his broom kept on hitting him.Neville jumped on his broom and it flew into the sky with him on it.

"LONGBOTTOM, GET YOUR FAT ASS DOWN HERE NOW" Hooch screeched as the Broom did the breakdance with Neville on it. It then bucked a couple of times and flew off to Gotham city, taking Neville with it.

"Damn, looks like I'll have to activate the portal for Gotham city" she muttered before turning to the shocked students. "This lesson has ben cancelled, please do not the brooms or I'll kill you" and she walked off.

"Hey Potter?". Hary turned around and saw Malfoy stood behind him "I challenge you to a broom race". Determined, Harry grabbed a broom and was about to fly but Hermione stopped him.

"You'll be killed you idiot, are you trying to commit Suicide?". But Harry ignored her and flew after Malfoy who had somehow got hold of Neville's remebrall.

"hey, If you win Potter, you get to return this to longbutt, but if I win, I keep it. Let the race begin". So Harry and Malfoy flew around around the grounds. Harry's went completly out of control and flew into the castle and straight into McGonogal's office, crashing into her prized Trophies

"MR POTTER, COME WITH ME AT ONCE AND MAKE SURE YOU RETURN THAT TO LONGBOTTOM WHEN HE RETURNS FROM GOTHAM CITY" She brked. Hary looked and was shocked that he had somehow got the remembrall.

"Now how did that happen?" he wondered.


	12. The nimbus 2000 bm6

The Nimbus 2000 bm6

"Come along Harry or else I'll beat you to a pulp" McGonogal snapped. Sighing, Harry put the remebrall back in his pocket and sulkily followed McGonogal down the corridor.

_This is it, i'm done for, I'm doomed, oh woe is meeeee..._Harry thought as they reached a classroom that was situated somehwere."Wait here you scally-wag" McGonogal barked. Harry stopped frozen in his tracks and watched as McGonogal stepped into the classroom.

"Excuse me Quirrel, but may I borrow wood?" Harry heard her say.

_Oh shit, she's going to get a plank of wood so she can whack my ass with..._Harry thought. He was proven wrong however when he discovered that wood was actually a tall, handsome fith year boy whom all the girls drooled over.

"What's happening here then?" he asked McGonogal. She pulled Harry aside and placed him in front of wood. "This boy will be your new seeker for quidditch" she explained. Harry let out a simple "what?"

During lunch, Ron couldn't believe that Harry was the new seeker for the gryffindor Quidditch team.

"They never let first years play, you must be the youngest quddicth seeker in a century" he told him. "Yeah, and I'm Amy Winehouse sober" came the sarky remark from Malfoy.

"Piss off Malfoy" Ron barked. Malfoy flipped him off and sauntered off."Dude, he is such a biacth" Hermione commented. At that moment, Harry's owl, Hedwig the 1st came flying in, carrying a long package and dropped it in front of Harry. "What isi t?" Ron asked. "I don't know" Harry replied. He looked at the card that came with it which read

_this package contains yur new nimbus 2000 bm6_

_gloat all you wnat but don't let anybody have it_

_from McGonogal_

_p.s, you start training with Wood on saturday 9:00am sharp._

Harry ripped the packaging off to reveal a brand new nimbus 200 bm6 with rocket launchers on both sides.

"Woaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh" Ron said, mouth gaping open. He suddenly killed Harry with a baseball bat and grabbed the Nimbus 2000 bmg.

"Muahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha, I now conquer the Nimbus 2000 bm6" and he ran out onto the castle grounds with it, hopped on it and flew into the sky, but the fuel ran out and Ron crashed into the whomping willow. It ate him alive and the world became filled with Lemons.

"Ron, Ron wake up". Ron snapped back into reality.

"You were daydreaming" Harry said. "Look, I got an awesome broomstick" Harry squealed, showing Ron his awesome new broomstick.

"Oi, Potter". Harry looked and saw Malfoy. " I challenge you to a duel, midnight tonight at the trophy room and if I win, I get your awesome new broomstick, muhahahahaha" and with that, he skipped far away like a sugar plum fairy princess.

"What a prick" harry commented.

--

Sorry this chapters abit short, I'll try and make the next one longer. Keep the reviews coming folks.


	13. Attack of the three headed mongrel

attack of the three headed mongrel

"Are you going to actually challenge Malfoy to a duel?" Ron asked Harry after Malfoy had skipped off.

"Yeah, I'm prepared for anything" Harry replied. "Fine, but I'm coming too so I can see Malfoy cry when you kick his ass" Ron said, picking his nose and eating it. Harry shuddered.

"Well I think it's a bad idea, what if Filch catches you and throws you in his torture chamber" Hermione blurted out as she twirled her ever so perfect hair.

"Filch doesn't have a torture chamber" Ron declared. "Well, there has been rumors and they could be true" she replied "just take my advice and don't go through with it" and she picked up her pile of a hundred books and walked off.

"I'm not listening to her, I'm still going to challenge Malfoy" Harry stated. "I'm so totally with you" Ron announcent.

Half an hour before midnight, Harry and Ron made their way towards the portrait but where stopped by the perfect-in-everyway-Hermione,

"You're going to challenge Malfoy, after when I told you not to" she said in shock. "Oh piss off Hermmy, hermit, hermonoyey, whatever your name is" Ron spat.

"My name is Hermione" she spat, stamping her foot in frustration. "Yeah, whatever. Come on Harry" and the pair of them climbed through the portrait hole but Hermione followed behind them.

"Get back in now" she ordered. Ron slowly turned around and placed his hands on his hips in a very feminine manner. "No, you go back inside and quit acting like our mother" he ordered. "Fine" replied Hermione throwing her hands up in the air "but don't come crying to me when Filch cuts off your toes and feeds them to his cat, Mrs Norris" and she turned around to find that Paris Hilton had gone off somewhere.

"Ohno, I cannot get in, oh what shall I ever doooooooo" she sang dramaticly, causing Harry and Ron to give her odd glances."Guess she'll have to come with us" Harry suggested.

about ten minutes later

"I cannot believe I agreed into this, I knew I should have stayed back and waited for paris to get back" Hermione complained.

"I so cannot believe you let her come with us" Ron whispered to Harry. "Shut up ron, where at the trophy room now". The trio walked into the trphy room and found it empty.

"So, where's malfoy then hmmmmmmmmmmmmm?" Hermione asked, hands on hips. "Don't know, maybe he chickened out" Ron giggled in a very feminine way. Hermione rolled her eyes and Harry just stood there.

half an hour later

"Well, looks like he isn't coming then" said Hermione as she did ballet around the room.

"He'll show up, bet he's overslept or something" replied Harry with a hint of determination in his voice.

another half an hour later.

"Listen, I think I here someone coming" Ron said. The trio placed their ears agaisnt the door as Filch came in through the other door.

"Well, well, well, Students hanging around after bedtime" he said. Hermione screamed and turned Filch into a barbie doll. "Meooooooooowwwwwwwwwwww" Mrs Norris hissed, clawing at Hermione who turned her into a stuffed toy.

"LEG IT" she yelled. The trio ran down the corridor and through a maze and down another corridor, then through another maze and another maze bigger than the previous one.

"Blimey, how many mazes does this school have?" Ron asked, out of breath. "Just shut up and keep running" Harry barked. They ran down another corridor andi nto a classroom.

"Phew, that was close" Harry said. But Ron and Hermione were pointign and gasping at something. "Oh for pete's sake, what is it?" Harry asked turning around and seeing what Hermione and Ron were gawping at.

A dog with three heads was slobering and snarling at them. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH" the three of them yelled before running out of the classroom.


	14. Troll attack

Troll attack

The next day, the trio couldn't still get that three headed pooch out of their heads.

"Why would Hogwarts keep a flea ridden, smelly old flea bag in this place?" Ron wondered as he dribbled gravy down his sweater. Harry shrugged. "Don't know, perhaps they want a school pet" Harry suggested.Wood came hopping along.

"Harry, you're doing training with me today" and he hopped away.

let's just cut the training scene and go straight to the charms lesson.

Proffesor flitwick was a dwarf but Ron had mistaken him for a garden knome.

"Who left their garden knome in here?" Ron wondered. "I'm not a garden knome, I'm your teacher proffesor flitwick" he squeaked in rage. Ron squealed like a girl and sat in his seat. Harry sat next to him.

"Man, I didn't know you were stupid" Harry stated. "Shut your jibba jabba fool" Ron blurted out suddenly. "Oh crap" harry blurted out "his switch needs changing" and he changed the switch on the back of Ron's neck from Mr T mode to Ron weasley Mode.

"Phew, that's better" Ron sighed.

"Ok children, today we are going to levitate feathers" Flitwick explained. The class just stared blankly.

"Right, to make them fly you wave your wands and wingardium leviosa" he chanted. The class did as they were instructed except for Ron who said " leviosa wingardium" and his feather grew legs and danced out of the classroom and a thousand Goombas ran amok in the classroom.

"ARRRGH, WILL SOME ONE GET THIS FANGED MUSHROOMS OUT OF MY CLASSROOM" Flitwick squeaked and Seamus blew up his feather. "WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH, MY FEATHER" the irish boy wailed, tears streaming down his face.

"Ronald weasley, you are so thicko" Hermione stated, back handed Ron round the back of the head.

about thirty minutes later.

"That bitch thinks she can call me thick" Ron told Harry. At that moment, Hermione barged past him and flipped him off.

"I think she heard you" Harry stated as some leprechaun that had just randomly appeared danced around his feet and into the gates of heaven.

"So what, she deserves it" Ron replied. Harry's head spun 360 degrees and he started humming the Harry potter theme tune. "Dude, have you been smoking weed?" Ron asked.

that evening, was the halloween party and the teachers were all in fancy dress.

"Velcome to the party" said Snape who was dressed as a vampire ( I don't even know why he's dressed up as a vampire when he looks like one already).

"Snape, is that you?" Harry asked. " Yes, but tonight I am Count Snapula, enter my domain". Ron and Harry gave Snape odd glances and walked into the great hall.

about three seconds later

"Dude, this is good punch" Ron said in ectasy. "Hey, where's Hermione?" Harry asked when he noticed that Hermione wasn't at the party.

"She's in the girl's toliet, crying" Neville replied. Suddenly quirrell came bursting in on the party.

"THERE'S A TROLL IN THE DUNGEON" he yelled. Dumbledore who had been breakdancing asked him " have you been drinking cider again?".

"N-n-n-n-n-n-n-o" Quirrell stuttered "t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-here ii-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-s a-a-a-a-a-a- t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-roll i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-n t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-the -d-d-d-d-d-ungeon" and he fainted.

Suddenly, the whole hall was erupting with screams and they all ran in different directions.

"How can a troll get in?" Ron wondered.

"Beats me,they're stupid. I bet Peeves let it in as some prank" Harry suggested. "Fuck" Ron yelled for no reason. "What is it?" Harry asked.

"Hermione doesn't know about the troll" Ron declared. Suddenly they heard a grunting noise. The two boys hid behind a pillar and saw a stinking large troll walk by and go into the girls toilet.

"Ohno. Hermione" the boys said together.

Hermione was just coming out of a cubicle and saw the troll.

"Woah, now your a smelly fellow arn't you" she said to it. The troll roared and threw her against the wall. "Well, is that anyway to treat a lady?" she asked. The troll roared again and picked her up off the floor.

"Blimey, you have some temper you. I think I better get you booked for anger managment classes" she said. The troll roared and swung her about like a ragdoll.

As the troll was about to eat her, Harry and Ron came to her rescue.

"OI, SHREK" Ron yelled, throwing a pipe at the troll's head. It turned around and saw Ron as it's next meal. "IT'S GOING TO EAT ME" Hermione shrieked. Harry picked up his wad and yelled "WINGARDIUM LEVIOSA". The Troll's club flew out of his hand and dropped on the troll's head, killing it instantly.

"Yay, you saved me, let's be friends" Hermione squealed. So from that moment, they all became good friends.


	15. Qudditch and Nicholas Flannel

qudditch and Nicholas Flannel

The next day was the begining of November and the weather became cold.

"It's qudditch today" Ron told Harry over breakfast. "But I just did training yesterday" Harry whined. Hermione put her arm around him.

"You'll be ok" she reassured. Harry nodded solenmly and scoffed his pancakes.

After Breakfast, Harry got changed into his qudditch robes and joined the rest of the team.

"Ok troops, listen up. This is the first match of the year and we are playing agaisnt stinkin slytherin. They have beat us for three years running, but not this time, this time, we are going to kick their fat asses" Wood declared. The team cheered and jumped up and down.

"Ok troops, let's go get them". The team picked up their brooms (nimbus 2000 bm6 in Harry's case) and marched onto the stadium where Madam Hooch was the referee.

"Ok, I want a nice clean game, no blood and guts on my stadium" she instructed. The players mounted their brooms and the game began. Harry's goal was to catch the snitch and the game was being commentated by a boy named Lee Gordon.

"Welcome to the first qudditch game of the season, gryffindor versues slytherin. I must say that those slytherins are a stinkin bunch of arseholes" Lee said. McGonogal whacked him over the head with a rolled up newspaper."Anyway" Lee continued "those slytherins are such suckers at playing, honestly, I've seen sausage rolls play better than those morons. Gryffindor has a new seeker, Harry Potter and he's the youngest seeker ever to compete in a qudditch tornement at just Eleven years old. He must be wearing his lucky underpants". McGonogal kicked him. "Looks like Harry Potter's been taken by the Slytherin seeker, Marcus flint. He's a real gay person, speaking of Gay people, the Barney show is showing signs of gayism lately. I don't remember that over-weight dinosaur talking like some beastly tranvestite when I was young. He must have been killed and replaced by some homosexual dinosaur. Anyway, back to qudditch, Looks like Harry Potter's losing control of his broom".

He was right because Harry's Nimbus 2000 bm6 was doing the cha cha, macerena and conga at the same time.

"What's happening to Harry's broomstick?" Hagrid asked as he watched Harry's broomstick go beserk through his binoculars. Hermione snatched them from Hagrid and looked through them to find that Snape was the one making Harry's broomstick go wappy.

"Ah-ha I knew it, the swine" Hermione spoke. "Whats is it?" Ron asked who had been picking his nose and eating it throughout the game. "Snape's jinxing the broom and i'm going to teach that son of a bitch a lesson" and she darted to the teacher's box.

"Wow, I never heard Hermione use that word before" Ron said.

Meanwhile, Hermione was sneaking up behind Snape and set his Ass on fire then ran off.

It took about two seconds for Snape to realise his backside was on fire. He shrieked like a little girl, ran around in circles on the stadium before jumping into the lake and unexpecditly making love to the giant squid.

Harry fell of his broom and felt like he was going to vomit. He went to retch but instead of vomit, it was the snitch.

"OH MY GOD" screamed Lee "HARRY POTTER HAS CAUGHT THE SNITCH, WOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, GRYFFINDOR WINS". All the gryffindors cheered and carried Harry on their shoulders and sang

"_potter is our king_

_wooooooooo_

_he is the best_

_better than all da rest"_.

About one hour later.

"Now don't be stupid, why would Snape put a curse on Harry's broomstick?" Hagrid told the dynamic trio.

"Who knows. I bet he let the troll in on Halloween so he could get past that three headed dog" Harry reported.

"Who in the hell told you about Fluffy" Hagrid barked.

"That hideous creature has a name?" Hermione squealed.

"Of course he's mine. He's guarding a secret object belonging to Nicholas Flannel" Hagrid said.

"There's someone called Nicholas flannel involved?" Ron asked.

"I shouldn't have told you that" Said Hagrid. He commited fake suicide.


	16. The Invisibility cloak

The invisibility cloak

Nothing interesting happened during the rest of November. Ron realised that his voice was breaking but kept sucking some helium out of balloons to stop it from going deeper because he wasn't ready for his voice to go like that yet. Hermione got a weeks worth of detentions from Snape for setting his ass on fire.Harry became cocky.

December was more active because Christmas was on the way (feels weird writing about Christmas in August but in this story it's Christmas ok). The school did a choir of Jingle bells but the Weasley twins came up with a different version.

"_Oh, Jingle bells_

_batman smells_

_robin layed an egg_

_the bat mobile_

_broke it's wheel_

_and the Joker got away"_ the Weasley twins sang. "DETENTION" Snape barked "AND BRING A CAKE" The Weasley twins were slightly weirded out by that last sentence.

"Wow, that last sentence was very random" said George. Ron swallowed his own sweater without even noticing as Harry and Hermione watched with weirded out expressions on their faces.

"So, have you found any infomation on Nicholas Flannel yet?" Ron asked Hermione. "No, I looked everywhere but Madame pince kicked me out because I was doing cartwheels on the tables" Hermione said.

"You strange girl" said Harry and Ron Together. "Whatever. So, what are you guys doing for christmas?" she asked. Both Harry and Ron said that they were staying at Hogwarts for Christmas.

"It's not fair" Hermione pouted "my selfish parents want me to spend Christmas with them instead of my friends,grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrargh". Malfoy who had been walking past shouted out "I FEEL SORRY FOR THOSE WHO ARE STAYING AT HOGWARTS FOR CHRISTMAS BECAUSE THEY AIN'T WANTED AT HOME". He nodded in Harry's direction.

"Oh Fuck off Malfoy and flush your head down the toilet" Harry barked. Malfoy flipped him off and faded into reality. "God, what a bitch" Hermione commented as Peeves egged her.

"Aaaaaaaaaaaanyway" said Harry "I'm going to see what old Hagrid is up to, you guys coming?"

about ten minutes later.

"Hey Hagrid what are you doing? Harry asked when he caught sight of Hagrid trying to put tinsel on a tree that was beating the shit out of him.

"Kissing a toad, what does it look like?" a frustrated Hagrid replied. Ron secretly pissed himself when he caught sight of the evil tree. "Damnit Hagrid, that tree is owning you" Harry commented. "It's a piece of shit" Hagrid replied "and extremely stubborn, it just won't cooperate and I think it's a real stubborn mother fu--" the tree had knocked Hagrid out completly. Ron crapped his pants.

"Let's get out of here" Harry yelled.

On Christmas eve, Hermione went home so Harry and Ron had to get Infomation on Nicholas Flannel themselves.

"This is useless, we'll never find it" Ron moaned. Harry suggested that they should give up and enjoy the holidays. "You're right, shall we just sing instead" Harry suggest.

_"I kissed a girl and I liked it"_ Ron sang.

"What about the rest?" Harry asked.

"That's all I know" Ron replied _"I kissed a girl and I liked it"_ Hary slapped his forehead. "Sing something different".

"Ok" said Ron. "_Day o Day hee o, daylight come and we wanna go home, hey, we say day, we say day, we say day,o, daylight come and we wanna go home. Wit da night and a drink o,rum,daylight come and we wanna go home"._

Harry decided to join in.

_"Come mister taliman, tali me banana, daylight come and we wanna go home"._

Ron also continued.

_"come mister taliman tali me banana"._

Harry was really getting into the groove now.

_"Daylight come and we wanna go home"._

Ron was really getting into the groove now.

_"Lift six foot, seven foot, eight foot bunch"_

Harry was now giggling.

_"Daylight come and we waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaanna go hooooooooooooooome"_

For the next two hours, Harry and Ron had one hell of a good time before going to bed.

The next morning, Harry felt someone jumping on him. "No, I don't want to get up yet" He mumbled. "You gotta wake up Harry, it's christmas" Came Ron's voice. Harry opened his eyes. "Well why didn't you say so you prick" shrieked Harry, shoving Ron off Him "and ask me next time if you want to shag me". The pair of them raced to the common room and dived into their pile of presents.

"Wow, look at all my prezzies" giggled Ron like an over excited valley girl. These were the presents he got.

A knitted red jumper with his name on it, a bike tyre, an amazing flying rat, a pair of socks, a miniture creme egg, a condom with a note sayin _do not use until you're sixteen,_an extremely ugly monkey suit and a chocolate bar.

"Hey, I like these presents" Said Harry. These were the presents that he recieved.

A silver cloak thingy,a teddy bear, a handful of used hankerchiefs, a condom with a note saying _do not use until you reach sixteen,_ a boot,a fifty pencep iece and a extremely ugly sock.

"Hey, I like you're cloak" Said Ron "put it on and give us a twirl". Harry thought that was a great idea and placed the cloak on him only to find that his body had vanished.

"Hey, the bastard cloak's eaten my body" Harry uttered in shock. Ron bitch slapped him. "No, you moronic poindexter, it's an invisibility cloak, read the instructions" he said Giving Harry the Instructions which he read out.

"Congratulations, you are the proud owner of the limited edition invisibility cloak, perfect for sneaking around forbidden areas as no one will see you when wearing this cloak in forbidden lands. However, they will only last for a maximum of ten years so enjoy it while you can. Make sure you clean it twice a day with the little duster brush that comes with it otherwise it may not work when caked in dust.So enjoy your new Invisibilty cloak and don't worry, you won't need batteries". Ron couldn't stop gawping.

"Hey, you could use that to sneak into the restricted section in the library and find out some infomation on Nicholas Flannel" Ron suggested "you may get some handy infomation".

"Execellent" said Harry, mimiking Mr Burns from the Simpsons.


	17. That stupid mirror of erised

that stupid mirrror of erised

Harry spend the whole of Christmas day having furious snowball fights with the weasley brothers (except for Percy who was cooped up inside the library reading).

"I think we should give Percy's room a decoration" George suggested to his twin. So they snuck into Percy's V.I.P bedrooom and added a few changes to it. This included turning his books into porno magazines,adding naked women posters on his wall, bewitching the toilet to bite his ass everytime he is to sit on it, putting a box of condoms on his bed, bewitching his teddies to dive bomb, making his prefect badge read butt-face,bewitching his chair to go on the rampage and the final touch, making the naked women pictures dance. After they were finished, the twins hid under Percy's double king size bed and waited.

Of course Percy came in and went to read his books and were horrified to find in their place porno magazines. "What the hell?" Percy asked "since when did I read Porn. I need a shit" and he went to his own personal toilet. When he sat on it, the Toilet bit his ass and Percy flew up in the air. "Damnit, my ass" he squeaked "I think i'll go and lie down" and he walked over to his bed to find the box of condoms.

"Whaaaaaaaaaaat?" Percy yelled. The twins tried not to giggle out loud from under the bed. Suddenly, Percy's teddies started to dive-bomb him. "Aaaaaaaaaiieeeeeeeeeeeee" he screamed like a girl. "Stupid bears, now I must polish my badge" and he picked up his badge only to read the word butt-face on it. "Arrrrrrrrrrrggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh" Percy bellowed. His chair then stared going on the rampage, chasing him around the room.

"leave me alone" he bellowed. He fell on his bed and noticed the naked women posters and the women were dancing. "Woaaaaaaaaah" cried Percy. Having enough of all this chaos, he commited suicide (actually he faked suicide otherwise he won't be in the other stories if he commited actual suicide).

Meanwhile, Harry was plotting to sneak into the restricted section in the library in his invisibility cloak.

"Are you sure you want to go through with it?" ron asked as he twirled about in a flimsy skirt (shudders)."Of course I do, bersides, no one will see me, not even old Filchy" Harry replied. Ron grinned and did cartwheels, causing the skirt to fly up. "I'm going at midnight" Harry said.

So, at midnight, Harry got out his cloak and prepared to head down to the library.

"Are you sure you don't want to come?" Harry asked Ron who was still in bed. "No, I'm far to tired, snnnnnnnnnnnnore" he fell asleep. "Looks like I'll be going on my own then" Harry muttered to himself as he threw the cloak on.

Fifteen minutes later

Harry was walking around the school, completly invisible.

"I'm loving this" he whispered as he entered the library and into the restricted section. "Now, to find Nicholas Flannel" he whispered. He held up his lantern and read the titles of the books which included _how to have good sex, the step by step guide of being a bisexual and when women lose their virginity_.

"Now I see why this is the restriced section" Harry told himself. He picked up a book called _wailing ghosts of gay men. _Harry opened it and the wail of deceased gaymen filled the room.

"Who goes there" came the sinister voice of Filch. Harry pulled up his cloak, thus knocking his latern over in the process and legged it past Filch who was just an inch away from him.

"Whew" Harry whispered, wiping his forehead. He almost crapped himself when he noticed Mrs Norris. Could Cats see through invisibility cloaks, Harry wondered. Luckily, Mrs Norris just slunk straight past him and into the Library.

He passed Snape who was threatening to torch quirrel's ass.

"B-But, w-w-w-w-w-w-hy, d-d-d-o y-y-y-y-y-y-y-ou w-w-w-w-w-w-w-ant-t-t-t-t-t-t-to s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-set m-m-m-m-m-y -a-a-a-a-asss -o-o-o-o-o-n -f-f-f-ire?" Quirell stammered.

"Because, I want to see roasted butt" Snape replied in a sinsiter tone. Quirrell squealed. Harry rolled his eyes and went into a nearby classroom and through off his cloak.He looked at the other end of the room and saw a tall mirror.

"Cool, I must admired myself" and he walked over to it. When he got closer, he saw pole dancers behind him. "What?" Harry asked. He turned around, but there was no pole dancers behind him. He looked in the mirror and saw that the pole dancers were back.

In a panic, Harry grabbed his cloak, raced to gryffindor tower and attempted to wake Ron.

"Dude, why did you have to wake me in the middle of a good dream, I was King of the prostitutes" Ron whined.

"This is really freaky" Harry reported "I saw pole dancers in this big mirror in this big classroom". he grabbed Ron by the wrist and drug him to the mirror.

"look, do You see them?" he asked. Ron loked in the mirror and giggled. "What?" Harry asked. "I'm a rap King, wicked" Ron said in awe.

"But what about the pole dancers, do you see them?" Harry asked, slapping a demented looking Ron in the face. "Sorry dude, see no pole dancers. Can I go to bed now?". Harry shook his head and slapped it.

five hours later.

Ron had gone back to bed but Harry stayed to watch the pole dancers as he had become quite fascinated by them.

"So, you have returned young one" came a voice from behind him. Harry twirled around and saw Dumbledore. "Woah, where did you come from?" Harry asked. "I have many ways of turning up unexpectidly, you wanna smoke?" he suggested, pulling out a ciggy.

"I want to live to be 23" Harry said in shock. "Never mind. So, I see you have discovered the stupid mirror of erised" he told a puzzled looking Harry.

"Why is it stupid/" Harry asked. Dumbledore blew his nose. "Because it is. Now go to bed before I beat ya".


	18. Norris the flying Dragoncatduck thing

Norris the flying dragon/cat/duck thingymajig

Hermione came back to Hogwats on the 1st of January, ready to tell Harry and Ron about what she did over the holidays.

"And then" she finished "dad opened his last present and he took out a pair of bright pink thongs". Ron looked disapointed.

"Why didn't you get me any bright pink thongs?" he asked, pouting his lips in a sulky manner.

"Because there were really my mum's, he opened the wrong present" Hermione replied. "Yeah right, bet they were your dad's" Ron commented. Hermione Bitch-slapped him.

"Shut up, what do you think my dad is, a pansy who likes to wear women's underwear?". Ron shook his head.

"Good, now come to the library, I think I may have found something on Nicholas flannel" and she picked up her large stack of books and headed to the library.

"If she's managed to find a book on Nicholas flannel, then I'm Batman" replied Ron sarcasticly. Harry rolled his eyes.

In the library, the boys waited whilst Hermione went scapering around for a book on Nicholas flannel.

"God, this sucks. I'm bored" Ron moaned as he flicked paper around. "At least we might find out who this Nicholas flannel fellow is" Harry reasssured. Ron nodded in a glum manner. "Uh-huh" he mumbled.

Seconds later, Hermione came scurrying back.

"I found it" she squealed "I've finally find the infomation on Nicholas Flannel" .

"Oh woopedoo" replied Ron, swinging his hand around "this is the best day of my life". Hermione gave him daggers . "If you've quite finished, I want to know who the Flannel person is" she spat.

"Does he have doughnuts?" Harry asked randomly. Hermione stared at him then went back to looking at the book.

After what seemed like an eternity, Hermione had finally discovered who Nicholas Flannel was famous for.

"He created the Philosopher's stone" she read out loud. "He invented doughnuts?" Harry asked. "No, he didn't invent doughnuts, he created the Philosopher's stone" Hermione replied in a rather annoyed tone.

"Boring" chorused Harry and Ron. Hermione rolled her eyes in all sorts of directions and continued reading. "The Philosopher's stone is a very powerful substance that whoever drinks it will become immortal".

"Drink it?" Ron asked in surprise and confusion " how can you drink a stone".

"By melting it, duuuuuh" Hermione replied. Ron stuck his tongue out at her. "I reckon that's what that three headed dog, fluffy is guarding, the Philosopher's stone" Hermione explained. At that moment, several men in red robes appeared and handed Hermione somek ind of certificate.

"Congratulations, you have solved the mystery of the Philosopher's stone" the leader boomed out before turning to Harry and Ron. "You two, you have not succeeded in solving the mystery of the Philosopher's stone, for that you shall be punished".

"Nooooooooooo" Harry and Ron screamed.

"As your punishment" the leader continued "you shall be forced to sit in a field full of flowers and cute baby rabbits".

"Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo" Harry and Ron screamed in horror.

"We must tell Hagrid about this" Hermione informed.

"But, he told us not to interfere" Ron said. Hermione bitch-slapped him. "We're going to tell him whether you like it or not" she screamed. Harry sunk into a shame hole.

That evening, the three of them ran to Hagrid's hut underneath Harry's amazing invisibility cloak. When they arrived, they could hear loud party music coming from inside.

"I think Hagrid's having a party" Ron said. "Oh just knock" Hermione snapped. Ron shrugged and banged his fist against the door.

"ALRIGHT, I'M COMING" came Hagrid's loud voice from above the music. The door swung open and the three first years saw a party in full swing.

"What do you want?" he asked. "We know about the Philosopher's stone" the three of them chorused.

"What?" Hagrid asked, putting his hand agaisnt his ear. "WE SAID WE KNOW ABOUT THE PHILOSOPHER'S STONE" they all yelled. Hagrid sighed and turned to his party members.

"ALRIGHT YOU LOT, PARTY'S OVER, I'VE GOT SOME BUISNESS TO SORT OUT" he bellowed. Harry, Ron and Hermione watched as a gang of drunken sluts came staggering out.

"Great party Hagrid" they all yelled as they vanished into oblivion. Hagrid turned to the three first years.

"You three, inside now" he hissed. Harry, Ron and Hermione walked into Hagrid's hut and sat down.

"What did I tell you three, it's none of your buisness about that ruddy stone" he saidi n a stern voice which was frigthening enough for Ron to piss himself.

"But, we think that Snape's trying to steal it" Harry said. Hagrid gave him a weird look.

"You don't personaly think that Snape would try and steal the stone do you?" he asked.

"Why not, he's evil enough" Ron explained, trying to hide the wet patch on his trousers. Hermione rolled her eyes.

"Now you three listen to me, Snape wouldn't try and steal it, he's a teacher and he'll be trying to protect it" Hagrid reassured them. Suddenly, a large pink egg came flying out of Hagrid's microwave and landed on Ron's lap.

"Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, there's a hideous pink thing on my knee, get it off, get it off" he screamed in a feminine maner. Hermione sighed and pulled the pink egg of his lap and placed it on Hagrid's coffee table.

"Ahhhhhh, this baby is about to hatch" said Hagrid proudly. The four of them gathered around and watched the egg crack and a hideous creature emerged. It hat the body of a dragon, the head of a cat, and the beak and feet of a duck.

"Oh my god, it's a cross between a dragon, cat and a duck" Ron squealed in horror.

"Isn't he sweet" Hagrid cooed " I think I'll call him Norris". Harry looked nervous, Ron was nervously biting his nails and Hermione was unsure of what to make of Norris.

Later on, when they headed back up tot he castle, Harry, Ron and Hermione were discussing Hagrid's strange new pet.

"Do you reckon he could get into big trouble if the school found out that Hagrid was keeping a Dragon/cat/duck Hybrid?" Ron asked.

"I don't know about Hagrid but I think we're in big trouble" Harry pointed out. McGonogal had caught them walking down the corridor and Malfoy was by her side.

"Oh shit" Ron squeaked.


	19. Into the forbidden forest

Into the forbidden forest (muhahaha)

"YOU THREE, FOLLOW ME" she screamed as Malfoy looked smug. Harry gulped, Ron peed himself and Hermione was shaking as they followed McGonogal down the dark corridors and outside a classroom.

"IN" she snapped, opening the door. The three Gryfindors walked inside with McGonogal and Malfoy followed behind.

"NOW SIT DOWN" she ordered them. "What are we, dogs?" Ron asked. "Don't get cocky with me Mr Weasley, sit down" McGonogal snapped. Ron nodded and plonked himself on a chair. McGongal then took her place at the front desk and began to give them the biggest telling off of their lives.

"NEVER, IN ALL MY YEARS AT HOGWARTS HAVE I ENCOUNTERED STUDENTS WHO HAVE THE CHEEK TO WONDER AROUND THE SCHOOL AFTER BEDTIME" she screamed. Malfoy was enjoying every minute of this.

"But why is Malfoy here?" Hermione asked timidly. "SILENCE, HE TOLD ME HE SAW YOU COMING OUT OF HAGRID'S HUT". Malfoy was still looking smug.

"But how come he isn't being told off?" Harry asked. The other two nodded in agreement.

"He will be punished also" replied McGonogal. Malfoy's jaw dropped. "But you cannot punish me, I was the one who snitched on these losers and anyway, I'm special, I don't deserve a punishment" he said then looking very smug at the end.

"I'm afraid you must be punished Mr Malfoy , you too was hanging about after bedtime" she said sternly.

"But I lost my teddy and I cannot sleep without it. I was merely looking for it, my precious Mr cuddlyums" replied Malfoy in a pityful voice.

"Now stop making up excuses Mr Malfoy, Mr Filch will deal with your punishment" and she went to fetch Filch. Harry, Ron and Hermione looked nervous, punishment with Filch, they'd never make it out alive. Malfoy on the other hand, had another thing to worry about.

"It wasn't an excuse, I really did lose my Mr cuddlyums".

About ten minutes later, Filch was leading the four nervous first years to a cruel punishment.

"I hated it when they let the old punishments die" he nattered "they used to punish you by dangling you over a vat of piranhas by your ankles, god now I miss the cries and screaming". Ron gave Harry a nervous look. Filch was stinking real bad and the first years nearly passed out because of it.

"I feel sick" Ron complained. Filch shot him a hard glare. "Stop making excuses boy" he snapped "you'll be serving detention with Hagrid like your friends".

"Weasley isn't my friend" replied Malfoy in a smug manner. Filch rolled his ugly eyes and took them to Hagrid's hut where he was crying.

"Here they are Hagrid, here's the four hooligans" he announced. Hagrid nodded and wiped his nose.

"What's the matter with you, big baby?" Filch asked in discuss. "Norris is gone, Dumbledore kidnapped him and sold him on Ebay" hagrid sobbed.

"Any one buy him and who the hell is Norris?" the un-hygienic care-taker asked.

"He's a cat/dragon/duck hybrid and someone did buy him, for £22,00000000, WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH" he wailed. Filch rolled his eyes. "Oh stop moaning man, you're going into the forbidden forest with these" he said. Malfoy nearly pissed himself.

"But, students arn't allowed to go in there, it's the rules, you must be off your head man" the snotty Slytherin replied. In response, Filch grabbed him by the ear.

"Well, let's hope a werewolf doesn't eat you, muhahahahahahahaha. Ok Hagrid, all yours" and he pushed Malfoy to the floor and headed back to the castle. Malfoy pulled himself up of the floor and dusted himself off.

"My nice clean uniform is ruined, how dare he treat me like this. Just wait until my father hears about this" he declared. He even declared war against Filch, hogwarts and even the whole state of canada.

"Right" said Hagrid " shall we be off" and he took the four very scared first years into the forbidden forest . Ron was wimpering and clinged onto Hermione but she shrugged him off.

"Stop being a baby" she hissed. "But i don't like it in here" Ron whispered.

"I wish I had my Mr Cuddlyums with me" Malfoy muttered to himself. Hagrid took them deep into the forest until they came across a puddle of silver blood.

"Ooooooh, melted silver" said Malfoy rubbing his hands together "execellent, I shall send it home to my Father".

"Actually, it's unicorn's blood" Hagrid replied in a annoyed tone "one was slaughtered here a week ago and we must find the poor beast,right, Ron and Hermione will come with me". Ron yelped and ran to Hagrid and hid under his coat.

"I feel safer in here" his muffled voice said.

"And Malfoy and Harry will go together" the big oath with hair ordered. "Ok, as long as I get your dog, fang" Malfoy declared. Hagrid agreed and handed over his slobbery dog, Fang.

About half an hour later, Harry and Malfoy were trudging through the damp, dark forest. They both farted.

"I'm so going to tell my father about this, I shouldn't be doing this" Malfoy bragged.

"You scared or something ?" Harry teased in which he recieved a bitch-slap from Malfoy for it. "I'm not scared, Potter,what do you take me for, a baby?" Malfoy asked in disguist.

"Well, I heard you say that you wanted your teddy, Mr Cuddlyums" Harry teased. Malfoy slapped him again.

"Don't you dare bring my teddy into this you god damn motherfuck-what is that?". The two boys stopped dead in their tracks and saw the dead unicorn and a black figure leaning over it, sucking it's blood.

"Wha-wha-wha-wha-" Malfoy sqeaked, pointing at the dark figure.

"Still wish you had your teddy?" Harry asked. "On the positive side, I think I do" He whimpered. The black figure stood up and looked at the two boys, with hunger.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH, MR CUDDlYUMS, COME BACK TO MEEEEEE" Malfoy sqealed and running away. The figure wasn't interested in Malfoy, it was more interested in Harry.

"Are you a vampire?" Harry whispered. The thing ignored him and continued to walk towards him. Harry backed away and fell on his ass.

"Ow, for fuck sake" he muttered. He then felt a cold hand on his ankle. The dark figure was dragging him across the ground so Harry let out a high-pitched girlish scream which scared the figure away.

"Don't worry little girl, I'll save you" came a voice from behind the trees. Harry looked and what looked like a cross between a goat and a man.

"Hello there young sir, where is the little girl who screamed?" he asked.

"There is no little girl who screamed. It was me" Harry admitted. The thing looked puzzled.

"You were the one who screamed like a girl?" the goat-man asked. Harry nodded. "A black thing was dragging me by the ankles but I screamed to scare it away" Harry admitted. The goat-man started doing belly-dancing for no reason.

"You're Harry Potter arn't you?" he asked. Harry nodded. "How do you know?" he asked.

"Everyone knows about you, even the trees do" spoke Goat-man.

"It's true" sang the trees. Harry shuddered."Do you know who that was who tried to attack you?" he asked.

"A vampire?" Harry asked as he took out a bouncy ball and bounced it around. Goat-man shook his head. "Something far worse than a vampire" he said.

"Voldemort?" Asked Harry, picking his nose. Because Harry mentioned a forbidden name, he was struck by lightening. Afterwards, Hagrid and the others came back.

"Harry" Hermione squealed, running to him and hugging him. She even attempted to shag him in front of EVERBODY!.

"Hello there Goat-man, see you've found our young mister Potter" said Hagrid. Goat-man nodded and turned to Harry.

"Farewell Mister Potter, I must go now, there's a cute goat-girl waiting for me" and he took out some hair-gel, slapped it on his hair and smoothed it back.

"So, are you saying that you-know-who is the forest right now, as we speak?" Hermione asked.

"But he's living on unicorn blood" Harry explained. "hahahahahaha, Voldemort is a vampire" Ron chuckled. He was struck by lightening.

"Shut up Ron" said Harry, clearly nervous.

"Yeah, ok" croaked ron in a squeaky voice.


	20. through the trapdoor of doompart 1

Through the trapdoor of doom-part one

The next morning over breakfast, Harry couldn't still get it out of his head that Voldemort could be lurking about in the forest, sucking the blood out of unicorns.

"I still reckon that you know who is a vampire" Ron pointed out so loudly that the whole great hall had heard him.

"Shut up" Hermione hissed, whacking him round the back of the head. "Ow, you bitch that bloody well hurt" Ron screamed. Hermione rolled her eyes and checked her timetable. "Ohno, we've got potions with gay snape" she moaned "double potions with the slytherins, aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh" she screamed as she got down on her knees and streched her arms out so far that she hit Dumbledore on the head. "Sorry sir" Hermione squeaked. "It's ok Miss Granger" Dumbledore croaked "I will not punish you because I'm too nice" and he got up and did breakdancing. "I'M GOING TO COMMIT SUICIDEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE" squealed a random student, jumping of the astronomey tower and falling to his/her doom.

During potions, Snape was teaching the students how to make a potion that turns people into transvestites.

"Just as you know, I will be using Longbottom's potion to test it on one of yous to see if it has worked or not" Snape informed.

"Why me?" Neville squeaked. "BECAUSE IT'S YOU AND I LOVE PICKING ON YOU" yelled Snape then laughing evily. Neville gulped and sunk in his seat. "Right, is it ready longbottom?" Snape demanded. Neville nodded and squeaked as he handed his potion to snape.

"Right, who shall I test it on?" he wondered as he scanned the room until he found is poor, defenseless victim, Ron Weasley.

"Mr Weasley, will you try this potion?" he asked. Ron nodded obdiently and Snape gave him the potion.

"Now, drink it" Snape ordered. Ron gulped and took a big drink from the potion. He shuddered as it tasted revolted.

"Well?" Snape demanded. " I need to wear a dress" Ron said simply. Snape was amazed. "Does this mean that Neville actually did it right this time?" he wondered, looking at Neville .

"Unless" he continued, scanning the room and finding Hermione "Miss Granger, did you help him?". Hermione shook her head.

"LIAR" screamed Snape "LONGBOTTOM COULDN'T HAVE DONE THIS ON HIS OWN".

"Oh shut up you jack-ass" Hermione snapped. "That's it" yelled Snape, grabbing Hermione by the hair and throwing her into the detention room. She was pretty most used to it by now as Snape had thrown in there every lesson she had with him.

"God, I sure hate that Snape, he is such a bitch" Hermione commented as they walked across the school grounds. Suddenly, Harry's scar started burning.

"My scar is burning" he sobbed. "Why?" asked Ron. "I fed it chilli for lunch and now it's burning". Hermione and Ron shot each other odd glances and then looked back at Harry.

"You feed your scar?" Ron asked, looking puzzled. "Yeah, you got a problem with that?" he asked, hands on hips then recoiling in pain again. "Yeow, will somebody do something, my scar is absolutely fucking killing me" he gritted. Hermione got a glass of water that had just randomly appeared and threw it in Harry's face.

"Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh" Harry sighed in relief "no more pain. Come on, let's go talk to Hagrid" and he ran to Hagrid's hut. Ron and Hermione followed close behind.

"HAGRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIDDDDDDDDDDDD" Harry yelled as he ran towards Hagrid who was washing his underwear, in the middle of the day, out in the open, in the middle of January and in a barrel of filthy muck. The great hairy beast of a man looked up and saw the worn out first years in front of him.

"Hagrid, where did you get the egg from?" Harry asked as Hermione and Ron collasped on the floor due to lack of breath.

"What egg?" asked Hagrid, clearly confused. "The pink egg that contained Norris". Hagrid wailed.

"Oh, I'm sorry Hagrid" Harry said, realising what he just said. Hagrid calmed down.

"So, where did you get it from?" he asked. "I won it in a game of strip poker" Hagrid replied. Ron squealed at the thought of Hagrid naked.

"Who did you compete against?" Harry asked. "I don't know" replied Hagrid " he wouldn't strip so I won and got his egg, ha!". Hermione looked nervous and Ron was vomiting as he still had a mental image in his head of Hagrid naked.

"But, did you and him talk?" Harry questioned. "Yeah, he asked me what sort of creatures I kept and I told him about fluffy. I told him that the best way to get him to sleep is to play some music". He then realised what he done. "I shouldn't have told you that". But it was too late, the three kids were running off so he chased them. He chased them around the castle, then through canada, then through paris, then into space, then onto mars, then jupiter, then pluto, then the moon, then saturn, then back to earth, then Gotham city where they managed to lose him. They then ran back to Hogwarts and into McGonogal's classroom.

"We need to speak to Dumbledore, now!" Harry demanded.

"I'm sorry to say that Proffesor Dumbledore is not here, he's lying naked somewhere on a beach in barbados" McGongal replied. Ron vomited again.

"He's gone?" Harry asked, shocked "but it's important, someone wants to steal the Philosopher's stone". McGonogal was shocked. "How did you find out about the stone?" she whispered.

"Never mind that now, it's going to be stolen" Harry panted. McGongal stared at them through her cheap, rusty,almost worn down specs (she should have gone to specs-savers).

"I don't know how you three found out about the stone but It's well protected. How buzz of and let me finish my work,NOW" she barked. The three nodded and ran off.

"So, who do reckon Hagrid played Strip poker with when he got the pink egg?" Ron asked as he twirled about like a ballerina.

"It was snape, he wanted to know how to get past that three headed dog so he disguised himself as a complete stranger to play strip poker with Hagrid so he would tell him how to get past fluffy" Harry explained.

"I kissed a girl and I liked it, the taste of her cherry chapstick, I kissed a girl just to try it, I hope my boyfriend don't mind it" Ron sang as he twirled around.

"Shut up" Harry and Hermione spat. "Ok" said Ron, grinning. Suddenly, Snape appeared.

"Why are you three hanging about indoors on a day like this?" he asked them in a dark and sinister tone.

"Oh nothing, just too hot out there for us " Ron replied. Harry and Hermione nodded in agreement.

"You better be careful or people will think you're up to something" said Snape coldly before striding off.

"We need to get through the door, tonight" Harry suggested. Ron and Hermione did the cancan, Ron slapped his forehead and everyone in the world had a great big party.

It wasn't until after midnight when the dymastic trio had set off on their mission, only to be stopped by neville.

"Why are you sneaking about again, you'll only get Gryffindor into more trouble and I won't-aaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh" Ron had punched him in the face and he fell over, unconcious.

"That should shut him up" he said. They all got under Harry's cloakand headed to the third floor corridor where the three headed dog was sleeping and a lullaby was playing on a harp that was placed in the corner.

"Oh, the angels from heaven are singing to us" Ron sighed as he swayed with the music. Harry slapped him round the back of the head. "Snap out of it you jerk, we need to save the stone" he hissed, trying not to wake Fluffy.

"Right, so how are we going to get under the trap door when that things big ass paw is on top of it?" Ron asked. Hermione rolled her eyes again.

"We move it's paw" Harry replied. Fluffy took a shit. "Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww" cried the trio. "I'm not going near that thing now" Hermione cried "the foul stench of poo-poo is filing my tiny nostrils".

"Oh don't be such a cry-baby and help us" Ron replied.

"But I'm not strong like you two, I can bearly lift a pin, let alone a giant dog's paw" she replied in some kind of damsel in distress tone. Harry and Ron were growing impatient.

"Oh quit being a female for two minutes and help us" Ron barked. Hermione sighed and helped them lift the paw from the trap door. Harry opened it and they peered down into darkness.

"Right, I'll go first and then you both follow behind" he ordered "and don't try anything dirty".

To be contiued..........


	21. through the trapdoor of doompart 2

Through the trapdoor of doom part 2

Note: just to let you know, the chess challenge will be replaced with an ultimate dance off because I found that too difficult to parody.

Harry took a deep breath and plummeted feet first through the trapdoor.

"What's it like down there?" Ron asked. "It's very dark but it's quite a soft landing" Harry's voice echoed through the darkness. "Ok, I'm coming next" Hermione said then jumped into the darkness.

"Is it like hell down there, where is the devil?" Ron asked. "It's not like hell Ron, just jump" Harry shouted. Suddenly, fluffy woke up and thought Ron was a lampost so he weed on him.

"Yuck" Ron stated. Fluffy then saw Ron and attempted to eat him.

"Aieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee" Ron screamed like a little girl and jumping into the trapdoor. He landed on a giant plant.

"What happened to you?" Harry asked, pointing at the urine stain on Ron's jeans. "I think Fluffy thought I was a lampost" Ron replied. Suddenly, the plant started wrapping itself around them.

"Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh" both Harry and Ron screamed. "Stop panicking, this is devil's snare and you have to keep calm or else it will kill you" Hermione explained.

"How do you know all this stuff, smartass?" Ron asked as he struggled. "Try Google, you'll get the answers from there" Hermione stated. "What?" asked Ron because he knew nothing about the internet. "Oh, never mind" said a rather annoyed Hermione before she vanished into the Devil's snare.

"HERMIOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE" Harry and Ron yelled. "I'm ok, just keep calm" came Hermione's voice from underneath. Harry was the next to go under.

"HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRYYYYYYYYYY" Ron shouted like a little girl. He started struggling instead of staying calm because he was stupid and the plant was squeezing the life out of him.

"It's killing him" Harry stated "it's killing Ron".

"Shut up, I'm trying to think" Hermione spat angrilly. "Well hurry, it's nearly done the job" Harry barked. Hermione took out her wand, pointed it to the evil plant and shouted "WIZZA BIZZA FIZZA NIZZA CIZZA, BANG BANG BOOM". The plant screamed bloody murder and Ron came plummeting to the ground. He was still alive, thank god.

"Are you ok Ron?" Harry asked. "yeah, where did you get that spell from?" he asked, turning to Hermione. "From a website called how to defeat evil plants and other stuff like that" she replied.

"What's a website, is it a site for spiders to build their webs?" asked Ron rather stupidly then started prancing about in the dress he was wearing. "Ronald, where on earth did you get that dress from anyway?" Hermione asked.

"I borrowed it from my sister Ginny" Ron replied as he did a twirl. "Don't you think she'll be upset to find that you stole it" said Hermione sternly. "For your information, she let me have it because she knows I like dressing like dressing like a girl" Ron replied. Hermione rolled her eyes and the super duper trio had now entered a room which was full of flying keys.

"oooooooh, butterflies" Ron giggled excitedly "I love butterflies".

"They are not butterflies Ron, they are winged keys" Hermione stated. "Well, I am so sorry" retorted Ron. "If you two can stop arguing, we need to get through the door" said Harry who was getting slightly annoyed. The Dynanic trio walked over to the door and tried to open it, but it was locked.

"Stupid ass door" shouted Harry, kicking it. "Look" Ron stated "there's a broomstick". Harry looked and saw a tatty old Broomstick,floating nearby.

"Huh" scoffed Harry "my nimbus 2000 bm6 is much better than that tatty old thing". Suddenly, the keys grabbed hold of Harry and placed him on the broomstick.

"I think they want you to catch and find the key to the door" Hermione stated.

"But how are we going to find the right one, there must be a trillion of keys up there" Ron groaned and farted.

"I think I see it" Harry alerted "it has a broken wing and it's just as rusty as the lock".

"Well, catch it then you poindexter" Ron bellowed, farting again.

"Jesus Ron, what did you eat for lunch?" Hermione asked in disgust. "A whole tin of baked beans" admitted Ron proudly. "That is gross" she replied. Ron stuck his tongue out at her. Meanwhile, Harry was chasing after a key who was rusty and had a broken wing. It was slow, so Harry could easily catch it and unlock the door.

"It's very dark in here" informed Ron. "Where are we?" asked Harry. "I think it's a grave yard, the resting place of deceast Hogwarts staff and students".

"This is not a graveyard" Ron informed bravely "it's a dance floor". Suddenly, the lights came on and a crew of dancers stod in front of the doors on the opposite side.

"Are you wanting to get through the doors?" asked the lead Dancer. "Yes" Harry replied.

"Well to get through these doors, you must challenge us to the ultimate dance off, are you prepared to take the challenge?" asked the leader.

"Yeah" said the trio. "Right, we'll do one first then you three do one" the leader order. Harry, Ron and Hermione nodded. So the dancers started doing a dance to Thriller as the trio looked on in amazement.

"Right, let's see if you three can do that as good". So Harry, Ron and Hermione did the dance routine to thriller. They were much better than the dancers. "You show offs" one of the dancers cried.

"Who are you calling a show off?" Ron demanded, hands on his hips. "You" the dancer pointed out. "You're just jelous because we're better than you" Hermione scoffed. The crew leader rolled his eyes and started to do breakdancing.

"He's good. I bet Dumbledore taught him" Harry said in awe. Ron tried to take on the leader but fell over and was knocked out. The dancers began to laugh.

"Alright, that's it" Hermione snarled, taking out her wand "I'm gonna show these bitches that they never mess with us". She pointed her wnad at the dance crew and shouted "VAPOURIZIED HOKSAKDJDJHDJSJKFANDOOMOFDOOMSLINGCOCKMOCKSLINGSLONGBANG WHIZZ" and the dancers vanished into oblivion.

"Now you can go through the doors Harry" said Hermione, turning to Harry.

"Me, but what about you and Ron?" Harry asked. A dragon flew by and pooed on his head.

"I need to take Ron to the Hospital wing. You have to find the stone yourself" replied Hermione.

"Ok" harry replied as he washed the Dragon poo out of his hair with Vo5 shampoo.

"And be careful Harry, Snape could jump out at you when you least suspect it" she warned.

"What about Voldemort?" Harry asked. He was struck by lighting.

"Don't say his name Harry. Now get going and hurry". She kissed him and gave him a push through the doors.

"You don't have to be rough you know" Harry called from behind the doors. "Just get going Harry" came Hermione's voice from the other end. Harry shrugged and started making his way down a staircase, only he didn't walk down them, he slid down the banister instead.

"WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE"he squealed in delight as he slid down the banister and landed face first on the floor.

"Well, well, fancy meeting you here, Harry Potter" came a voice from above him. Harry slowly lifted his head up and saw the person he was least suspecting to run into. Quirrell.


	22. Quirrell twoface

Quirrell two-face

"You?" Harry asked as he stood up and dusted the dirt from his clothes.

"Who were you expecting, the easter bunny?" Quirrell asked sarcasticly. "No, I was expecting Snape, he is the one who's after the stone" Harry replied "hang on a minute, what happened to your stutter?".

"Oh that, I faked it because I'm the one who is after the stone, not Snape, bwuahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha". Harry stared at him blankly.

"Where the hell is Snape anyway?" Harry asked. "He's got to visit his cousin Dracula in Whitby" Quirrell replied "and as you must know, I have voldemort at the back of my head". Harry scoffed.

"Yeah Right, you'll have to do so much better than that".

"It's true" Quirrell whined, stamping his feets like a spoilt two year old who was wanting a toy. He then turned to a mirror that was in the room with them and it wasn't just any mirror, it was the stupid mirror of erised.

"Ah, I can see myself holding that ever so delicious stone, I must have it" said , Harry heard an evil voice coming from Quirrell's turban.

"_Use the boy"_ said the turban. Quirrell spun around to face Harry. "Get your scrawny ass over here potter" he shrieked.

"Alright, what ever makes you happy" he replied then walking towards the mirror, he looked in it and saw himself holding the stone. Then he felt a lump in his pocket, it was the stone.

"What can you see, asswipe?" Quirrell demanded. Harry didn't want Quirrell to know he had got the stone, so he thought of a lie.

"I see,erm, I see Paris hilton taking a shower" Harry stated. "WHAT?" shrieked Quirrel with excitment and shoving Harry aside so he could look in the mirror.

"Wow" said Quirrell as Harry began to sneak away "that Paris hilton sure has a hot body".

"_It's a set up you idiot, he lies, he's getting away, quick" _came the evil voice from Quirrell's turban. He spun around and saw Harry running up the stairs.

"Oh I don't think so" said Quirrell evily and making a wall of flames appear, preventing Harry from escaping. "Hmmmmmm, interesting feature" said Harry.

"Now that you cannot escape, how about you tell me what you really saw" Quirrell suggested.

"Sorry mate, but I am not telling you, so stick that in your pipe and smoke it, ha!" said Harry.

"_Let me speak with him, I will convince him"_ came the evil voice again. "But master, you are not strong enough" replied Quirrell.

"_Are you saying that I'm weak you pathetic attempted of a wizard" _the evil voice yelled with pure venom. "I'm sorry boss, I'm so sorry" said Quirrel who had now burst into tears. Harry was confused.

"_Good, now let me speak with the boy". _. Qurrell nodded and began to unravel his turban. It fell back and Harry realised that Quirrell was boald.

"Oh my god, you are boald" he said in horror.

"Silence, my master wishes to speak with you" and he slowly began turning on the spot, revealing the back of his head. What Harry saw next made him want to cry out, but he didn't.

"_Harry potter" _hissed the snake like face with demonic red eyes.

"Oh my god, what are you?" asked Harry, throwing his hands in the air.

"_I am lord Voldemort, " _the face hissed.

"Hello, my name is Harry Potter, you killed my parents, prepare to die" said Harry randomly. Voldemort was weired out.

"_STOP ACTING LIKE A FOOL AND GIVE ME THE STONE " _Voldemort demanded.

"Let me think about it, erm, hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm, no way".

"_very well, if you won't give me the stone, then you will die, quirrell do the honours"._ Harry watched as Quirrell ran towards Harry who bitch-slapped him. Quirrell turned to stone.

"What the?" Harry asked. He slapped the Quirrell statue and it crumpled to dust.

"Well, at least I've got the stone" he sighed, admiring the ever so beautiful red stone. He was unaware that the spirit of Voldemort was swirling up behind him. It went through Harry's body and he fainted.

Filch came sauntering along with his cat and saw the pile of dust that was once Quirrell.

"Look at all this bloody mess, more dust for me to clean up" he moaned before noticing Harry's unconcious form.

"Oh shit" he growled.


	23. The finale

The finale

Harry woke up in the Hospital wing two weeks later to find Dumbledore doing breakdancing.

"Whaaaaaaaaa?" Harry screamed. Dumbledore stopped breakdancing and faced Harry.

"Oh Harry my boy, so glad you're ok, I thought you died" Dumbledore said rather quickly. He lit a cigarette.

"HEY, NO SMOKING IN THE HOSPITAL WING" yelled madam Pomfrey.

"Screw you bitch, I am Albus Dumbledore and I smoke where ever I want". Pomfrey flipped him off and walked away.

"Proffesor, what has happened to the stone?" Harry asked. "It has been destroyed you nosy little buggar" Dumbledore responded as he randomly changed a hospital bed into a beetle.

"oooooookaaaaayyyy" said Harry really slowly "does that mean that Voldemort can never return". Because he said that name again, Harry was yet again, struck by lightning. "God damn it, why does that always happen everytime I say Voldemort?". He was struck by lightning again. "Ok, Ok, I'll stop".

"No Harry, with the stone being destroyed, it doesn't mean that Voldemort cannot come back, he will find many ways of returning" Dumbledore explained. Suddenly, the frog that provided his croaky voice jumped out of his throat and his voice had gone high pitched and squeaky.

"Get back in there" he ordered the frog who sadly jumped back in.

"I will be free someday" the frog croaked then disapearing down Dumbledore's throat hole. His voice returned croaky. "That's better".

"Hang on a minute" Harry said "you said the V-word and didn't get struck by lightning but everytime I say it, I get struck by Lightning".

"It's because I'm older and wiser and Voldemort is shit scared of me" Dumbledore replied "anyway, I must go, McGonogall is waiting for me at the astronomy tower". He took out some hair gel and smoothed his beard down "laters".

Harry spent another week in the Hospital wing because he had concussion. Hermione and Ron came to visit him. After he told them all about Quirrell, Voldemort and the stone, Ron bit his nails and Hermione squealed.

"All this time, Quirrell had you-know-who sticking out the back of his head?" Ron asked.

"Yeah, I think that's why he wore the turban. I thought he was an asian-wannabe" Harry stated. Ron gasped.

At the end of the week, Harry was allowed to leave.

"Get out of here, I'm sick of the sight of you" Pomfrey barked. Harry shrugged and Joined his friends at the great hall where they were revealing who had won the house cup.

"I'm sorry to say this, but Slytherin are in the lead on House points, again" Dumbledore sighed. He detested the Slytherins. Everyone groaned and booed except for the Slytherins who cheered and Snape was saying "execellent" in the style as Mr Burns. Malfoy was breakdancing on his head in celebration.

"However, seeing as I hate the Slytherins so much, I'm decided to give Gryffindor extra Housepoints because I like them much more" Dumbledore announced. This time, the Slytherins booed and the Gryffindors cheered.

"You cannot do that, you worhless bastard" Malfoy screamed at Dumbledore. He had stopped breakdancing.

"Yes I can because I am the Headteacher, that means I can do whatever I like" Dumbledore spoke back. Malfoy growled and ran out into the corridors. sobbing.

"As I was saying before I was rudely interupted, Gryffindor are now in the lead on Housepoints, so that means..........................GRYFFINDOR WINS THE HOUSE CIUP, BOOYAH, HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA, IN YOUR FACE SLYTHERIN". He wiggled his bum in Snape's face and farted.

"You are mean"said Snape before running out crying. He and Malfoy sat sobbing in the corridors.

"I wanted to win the house cup, waaaaaaaaaaah" Malfoy wailed.

"Me tooooooo" Snape sobbed.

Later the day, the Students were all going home. Harry hugged Hagrid goodbye and Hagrid gave him a photo album which contained a Photo of baby Harry with his parents. In the photo, baby Harry was blowing rasberrys and his parents where doing the hokey-pokey. Harry started crying.

"Come on Harry" Ron Shouted "the Trains about to leave". Harry bid one last farewell to Hagrid and boarded the Hogwarts express.

When Harry arrived back into the muggle world, he was greeted by the Dursleys. Vernon smacked him.

"Now that you are back in the real world, you will be our servant again" he bellowed. Petunia and Dudley nodded in agreement.

"Dudley, didn't you get abducted by Aliens earlier in the story?" Harry asked.

"They sent me back to Earth after two months, it was awesome" replied Dudley.

"What's so Awesome about being abducted by Aliens?" Harry asked, clearly confused.

"Because they gave me free beer and candy, they worshipped me" Dudley replied. Vernon back-handed Harry round the head and dragged him by the ear into the muggle world.

"Ha-ha, I shall be back" Harry said to the audience before winking and vanishing from sight. The last thing heard was Uncle Vernon cursing at Harry.

"This has been one eventful year" said Ron.

"Indeed it has" added Hermione.

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Well, that's it, all done, that's your lot, but don't worry, a sequel will be up as soon as I get round to it. Hope you enjoyed it.


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